Shabbos was quiet and restful. I even got 2 naps in! The weather was better than expected, another nes, and so we were able to do some porching. It was great hanging out with old and new friends Shabbos afternoon. Much fun!

People keep asking how my kids are doing. They’re doing great. I think they really appreciated that we were honest with them and I believe it’s helping them to trust that we’re always going to tell them the truth. They seem to be at ease, fully enjoying the present moment. They are aware that the future could bring some scary stuff, but they are the real experts at living in the moment. Everyone seems to be growing around this. People are telling me that one of my “shy” kids has become quite talkative and socially comfortable. And another one of my kids, who was always extremely fearful of change, has been bravely embracing lots of new situations. That child came to me the other day and rattled off a long list of personal accomplishments that were all about stepping bravely into the unknown. I’ve been so much more present to them, and so much more patient. There is so much more love expressed and that’s so healing for all of us.

We took the kids to meet Stephanie. (Remember the pillowcases? That was Stephanie from Childlife at Hackensack Hospital. Also the initial conversations we had with each of the kids was guided by her sage advice. The story of the weeds growing in the garden was hers.) She has this wonderful office full of toys and art supplies and when we went the kids really connected with her. Everyone had a great time making a handprint project. I can’t wait to frame them and hang them up. Stephanie is a priceless resource and will always be there for our family as we journey down this path.

When my brother David came a few weeks ago he set up a fish tank with the kids. The guy at the fish store said it would take a few days for the tank to acclimate. So they bought some cheap fish and we watched them closely for about a week. They were supposed to help acclimate the tank. Well after a few days they looked pretty vigorous, so we went and got some nice big goldfish. We were told that the goldfish would eat the first fish, so we gave those fish away after considering all of the options. After a few days the goldfish were sort of sleeping on the bottom of the tank. Not a good sign. Someone else at the fish store said the tank needed several weeks to acclimate and that surely these fish would die. Yoni started testing the water regularly and buying stuff to balance it out. Well, it’s been a few weeks and the goldfish are doing swimmingly well even as I write. It’s a good sign. Techiyas haMeisim, resurrection of the dead.

Then there were these beautiful white roses from last Shabbos that had withered and drooped. I received some beautiful lilacs and tulips from two dear friends on Friday afternoon and I went to toss the sad white flowers. My mother rescued two of them. She insisted they were good. I insisted they were not. She put them in a vase and during havdallah we noticed that both of the roses were standing up straight and tall. Another siman tov! We should all be blessed to stand up straight and tall and to swim to the top!

In these weeks of chesed and gevura I’ve been really examining this issue of boundaries. It’s something I’ve always struggled with. Many times it was easier to distance myself from someone than to establish appropriate boundaries. I always ran away from those confronting conversations. In the past weeks I’ve had some really great conversations with people in my life. Now, when I feel stressed out, anxious, uncomfortable about something, I’ve been working hard to figure out what I need, what I can let go of, when I need to say no, set a limit, etc. This is so new for me and I’ve been trying to practice communicating from love, compassion, contribution. I used to make a lot of messes because I’d be stuck in frustration or fear, which came out as anger. And it’s been really amazing. And I’m learning to trust that I can take care of myself and it makes it possible to venture down roads with people that I would never have ventured down. I’ve been making messes too, but I’ve been cleaning them up and I feel like my heart is just so open, clean and clear. I’m still afraid of the confronting conversations, but I also refuse to live with any mess on my heart. I can’t anymore. Too much is at stake.

I’ve also been looking at how I isolated myself before. I limited my circle to a few intimate friends. I see now that limiting my relationships limited everything. Hashem wants to give us so much love. He’s sending me so much love through so many people. I can’t believe how many people I can love! I met someone yesterday for the first time and I loved her. I met someone today and I loved her also! For years I thought I wanted a best friend, someone to invest everything with. But I see now how much I don’t want that, how that, for me, would cut me off from humanity. But that’s just me, and my particular brokenness. I’m just grateful to be here now, with the insights that I’m having, and the incredible people that are pouring into my life and my heart.

I’ve also been really working on Shmiras haLashon, guarding my tongue. I made myself allergic to the thrill of saying or listening to something about someone else and I’m finding that mostly I’m not interested anymore.I’ve actually lost the taste. Again, too much at stake. I’m so happy that I get very uncomfortable when conversations start to go there. I’ve already cut two very potentially juicy conversations short. Thank G-d, because both conversations had the potential to really make a mess in my relationships. But there have been a few times that I’ve slipped. At least I noticed. One time I said something really not nice, and not even true, about someone in my family, and right in front of them! I thought I was being funny. Not worth it! And I cleaned it up with that person and I apologized to everyone who heard it, which is what we are supposed to do. And I wanted to clean it up. And I didn’t run away from the opportunity. Luckily the people assembled didn’t really get what I had said, because lashon hara can’t ever really be completely fixed. Oy. I’m trying now to listen only for good and I hope I can fill my mouth with only good words so there won’t be any room for the bad.

Boy I hope this change lasts. I’m so afraid that if Hashem takes this cancer away I’ll just fall backwards. And so, there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to let it go so fast. Then I realized that I’ve been given this free ride. Hashem put so much at stake for me that the fixing, the changing was easy and this is partly what I mean when I say it’s been a gift. The hard part is maintaining it and continuing to fix myself when the stakes aren’t so high. But you know, I think I can do that. I hope Hashem agrees.

I’ve been reading up on macrobiotics. Many people have been cured of cancer on a macrobiotic diet. According to this philosophy, we are totally out of balance with our environment. The rise of cancer in America and so many other places is staggering and according to projections, it won’t be long before 4 out of 5 people will die from cancer in America. We are exposed to so many toxins in our food and our environment. Our diets are so full of things that our bodies can’t deal with. And we’re destroying the planet in order to keep producing all these things that are so bad for us. Talk about a vicious cycle. Everything is out of balance. The claim is that the macrobiotic diet, which relies on easily sustainable resources, puts more energy into the earth than it takes out. It’s all about balance.

And I had this thought about all the mitzvos we keep in Eretz Yisrael that seem to maintain balance and harmony for the earth and its’ fruits. Shmitta, terumos, orla, payo, and so many more. And then there are all the brochos that we say to release the holy sparks from our food before we eat it. There’s something available in our relationship with the land, and the fruits of that land, that is really so precious, especially in this era of global devastation.

And yet, despite all these precious mitzvos that we keep, there are so many cholim in our own communities. I have met and received messages from many people in my own community who are living with, in therapy or recovered from cancer. Too many people. So many stories. All I can think is that maybe this is Hashem giving us our last chances. His tough love. I don’t think He wants us to go, He wants us to grow! Everyone I’ve talked to says they grew so much from their experience. They are changed. Maybe all the suffering is a wave of spiritual cleansing because we’re so close to the end.

Well, a friend pointed out that we’re coming into the week of Tiferes, which is the energy of beauty, balance and harmony. I bless us that we should all be inspired to bring balance and harmony into our lives, specifically through our eating and our relationship to food and the relationship of our food with the earth. Maybe the macrobiotics are onto something.

Please daven for me on Thursday morning. Right now my surgery is scheduled for early AM. It will take about 2 hours. I will know the specific time by Wed PM and will post an update then. Baruch Hashem, we are coming into Iyar, the month of healing. And with the energy of Tiferes also at play, G-d willing all will be very very good.

I also have another request. It is very very important for me. Many of you don’t know that I started and ran a Montessori based yeshiva in my community for several years. It was a beautiful, amazing place for children to learn and grow. People came from all over the world to learn from us. When we closed our elementary program 2 years ago we moved a small preschool into a dedicated classroom in my house. It’s been a wonderful 2 years and my two youngest children have benefited enormously. We have a really special program planned for next year. Sara Ringer will be rejoining us to teach full time, with Raizy Goldsmith (who’s been with us for 6 years) and my mother (who’s been with us for all of our 8 years) will be working with Sara part time. I couldn’t have hoped for a better team of warm, talented, dedicated and experienced women. If you or someone you know is looking for a really special opportunity for a 3 or 4 year old child please be in touch with Raizy Goldsmith at 201-935-5664 or email her at raizyg@verizon.net. She can share all the program details, and if you’d like to come and visit she’ll schedule something with you. I can’t tell you what peace it will give me to know that the program is full.

And since I’m on the subject of making announcements, this seems like a good place to share the following. I received this from my friend Leah Bennett and I told her I would pass along the information:

Keren Kol Kallah is an organization that provides essentials to orphan and destitute kallahs in Eretz Yisroel. They raise money through an annual gala fundraising sheitel sale where they sell good quality used sheitels at discounted prices. Someone we know started this organization a couple of years ago and the sale last year raised over $60,000 in just two hours for hachnasas kallah. For more information go to: http://www.geocities.com/kerenkolkallah/

I'm collecting sheitels here in the US for the upcoming sale in November. (Last year I sent over 70 sheitels for the sale). Each sheitel collected translates into actual money so it's like giving actual money to tzedakah when someone simply donates a sheitel! I'm going to be collecting the sheitels in your zechus this year. Hachnasas kallah is a special segula because when you make a kallah happy on her wedding day, it's as if you're saving her life. So it's a big zechus for someone who needs a refuah sheleima. A sheitel that's been sitting around in a closet for years can help bring your refuah sheleima! Imagine that!

If you have a used sheitl to donate, please contact Leah at 917-992-8564 or email her at leah.bennett@yahoo.

And this from Yoni:

Hachanasat kalla has a special power to protect against death. Our first goal is to raise $18000, to cover at least 5 weddings of poor and orphan brides in Eretz Yisroel. We have a donor who will match every donation dollar for dollar. Not only can people help me through this awesome mitzvah, but it will be a zechus for other singles to be married.

We have already raised over $4,000 in Simcha Esther's zechus! If you would like to make a donation please make checks out to: F.J.C. and send to: 86 elmwood Avenue, Passaic, NJ 07055 or go to: http://www.justgive.org/nonprofits/donate.jsp?ein=13-3848582
VERY IMPORTANT: IN the box where it says 'Designate My Donation' Please enter: Jewish Legacy Foundation – 55669.

Tizku l’mitzvos!

Thank you, thank you, thank you for so much! There aren’t words to express our gratitude for the segulos and tikkunim that were activated for us in Eretz Yisroel over the last few weeks. To the holy tzadikim who traveled the country far and wide on my behalf, I thank you. And to all my friends there, thank you for your pilgrimages to the kevarim, to the kotel, to the tzadikim, to the mekubalim. Thank you for your tefilos, for the learning, for the mitzvos done in my zechus. And to my dear friends here, thank you also for the tefilos, the learning, the unbelievable mitzvos. Thank you also for the Asher Yatzer cards and posters, for the help with homework and bedtime, for the inspiring books and resources, for the incredible chesed projects, for the challah, for the farmer’s market run, the Whole Foods run (and the yummy organic coffee!), for the fresh squeezed vegetable juice, the extra kugel, the extra salad, the extra cake, the honey muffins, the cookies, and for the flowers, for the purple heart, and for the delicious Yom Tov meals, Shabbos meals and all the weekday meals. Thank you for the donations to the Hachnasos Kallah fund, and thank you so so so much for the Rebbe’s Tanya! Thank you for the playdates (and the bath!) and the carpools. Thank you for the visits and the sharing. There’s more! Please, please forgive me if I left something out!!!!

You know, it’s really hard to receive so much chesed. There is so much chesed. And for me, who didn’t believe anyone really loved me before all this, it’s a bit overwhelming. I keep thinking about what the Kabbalah says about the vessels that Hashem created before He created this reality. He created the vessels and then he poured His light into them and they broke from the brilliance of His essence. I keep thinking I’m going to break from so much love, but I haven’t broken yet and it keeps coming. I’m working on receiving. I think Hashem wants me to work on that. He is sending me so much love through so many people right now. It’s almost crazy. It’s like He’s telling me I was crazy to think nobody loved me. Look! There is so much love and the more I receive it the more there is. And then I go and feel guilty for taking. And I have to really work hard, because really life is crazy right now, and even though I’m doing great, I do need help and all the love and the amazing inner work people are doing as a result of my nisayon is keeping me in a good place about everything. We’re really a team I guess. That was the problem with the first vessels. They could only receive, they couldn’t give. You tell me I’m giving you so much, and you’re giving me so much and together we’re staying focused on what life is really supposed to be about. But it’s a struggle for me. I’m suddenly in this role that’s so unfamiliar and I can’t fully grasp the magnitude of what I’m giving in relation to the overwhelming amount of chesed that I’m receiving. I guess I need to clear out some old thoughts about myself in order to be here. I’m working on it. And I need to stop resisting help. Part of the issue is that I don’t feel like I’m sick and whatever emotional or physical stress I have I’m not dwelling on. I don’t even relate to this like I’m sick. I’m really relating to it like it’s a gift. And lots of people are in pain because they think I’m in pain. But I’m not relating to it that way. And that adds to my guilt about taking. And it’s all so interesting really because I think we all have trouble giving and receiving and Hashem just wants to give us so much love. And it’s all part of our brokenness I guess. I hope I am really giving back, to you, and to Him.

Exhausting day. Funny how you think things are going to be one thing and then it all turns out to be another. So we were at Sloan Kettering to start this drug therapy today. After dodging awful rush hour traffic we arrived just on time for my morning EKG, followed by blood work. Then we met with Dr. Krug and Meghan, the super amazing nurse practitioner who works with the people in the test trials. We went over tons of info and discussed this procedure they do to inject cement into the damaged bone tissue. It’s called kyphoplasty and it should stabilize the fractures, help relieve some of the pain, and IY”H, allow me to get back to some normal functioning in my life. So, it turns out that if I want to do this procedure, I have to put off the drug therapy until afterwards.

I didn’t tell anyone, but I had CAT scans done yesterday and we found out today that nothing new has grown anywhere. This is good news! Baruch Hashem! And Dr. Krug felt comfortable putting the therapy off in order to take care of the back issue. So, Dr. Lis came down to meet with us and we talked for a long time about the procedure and we looked at my scans. He said that more than 40% of one of my vertebrae is basically gone, etc. So, we decided that it would be smart to do this now, before any further bone collapse. It’s scheduled for next Thursday morning as outpatient surgery and he hopes I’ll be walking out of there by the early afternoon. So now I’m scheduled to start the drug the following Wednesday, 2 weeks from today. Anyway, it seems so weird that this drug therapy keeps getting pushed off. Yad Hashem (hand of G-d). Me, I’m just going with the flow.

I have to say that I am so filled with gratitude to be doing all of this with the team at Sloan Kettering. They are amazing, compassionate, humble people with a passion for healing. It is such a good environment for creating wellness and they truly are THE experts in their field. I am very very grateful to my other amazing, humble, holy doctor who, with Hashem's open intervention, made it all happen!

Dr. Krug cut my steroid dose in half today, and will cut it in half again next week. I can’t wait to be steroid free in 2 weeks – I’m starting to look like a chipmunk and every pound I lost is back on. Many thanks to the wonderful women who are cooking up the most beautiful, healthy, delectable, organic meals for me!

Shvi’i Shel Pesach was amazing (crossing of the red sea). The plague of drug side effects subsided all of a sudden and I slept for 5 hours straight. What a relief! This was my Krias Yam Suf (parting of the sea). My crossing the Sea of Reeds was one of blissful sleep.

Shabbos and Yom Tov were great. Thank you so much to all of the wonderful women who prepared delicious, healthy, colorful meals for my family. We really felt like we were sharing Yom Tov with all of you! And thank you to everyone who came to visit and sit on the porch with me. I look forward to much more porching together over the next weeks and months while Spring and Summer allow. Best time to visit on Shabbos is from 4 to 6. Please don’t hesitate to come by! And you never know who else you’ll meet here…

Sefira. It goes so fast doesn’t it? I barely have time to grasp the tiniest fragment of the middah of the day and then we’re on to the next one. I’m working so hard on tempering my gevura (strength/judgement) with chesed (kindness). Hashem in His infinite wisdom, continues to present me with a number of opportunities to practice.

We arrived home at 7pm and I’m so so tired tonight and want so much to write more, but I’m going to sleep. I just wanted to give you the highlights, as things are always changing. Will write more later.

Had a rough night. It was quite a circus of intense drug reactions. Scary chest pains, fluey aches, pains and headache, arthritic burning pain, sleeplessness, hot, cold, all night long. It was some gehenom (hell)! And I haven’t even started the real heavy drugs yet. I’m starting to lose it a little about that. Maybe Hashem is giving me all this as a warm up to sturdy me up for what’s to come. I hope I can take it. Mom asked me about the other side effects of the drug I’m starting. We know about the skin rashes and diarrhea, but I didn’t really look at the other side effects. Sometimes it’s better not to know. But she asked me, so I went through the paperwork, got to the known side effects (this drug still has many unknown side effects – another thing to stress about) and folded it up and put it away. I looked at my mother and simply said “you don’t want to know”. And neither do I. I have to just trust that Hashem knows what He’s doing. Dr. Krug is very excited about this drug for me and I trust him. Being part of a test trial is exciting and scary, but it’s also really empowering to know that my participation is pushing cancer research forward in a big way. And this being the week of Chesed, it all seems to make sense. Also, it makes sense that this is the treatment of choice. Hashem likes to act in hidden ways.

So, I was feeling kind of down this morning after my wild night of pain and my concern about the upcoming drug side effects and my misgivings about the experimental nature of the drug I’ll be taking. But I did manage to remind myself of two things that are sure. One, Hashem is in charge. No doubt about it. And two, suffering is never for nothing. It fixes things. And sometimes there’s even an allotment of suffering that has to be experienced before Hashem can bring rafua. It was true in Mitzrayim too. We needed to accomplish a specified measure of suffering before we could merit redemption. Yoni once told me a great story that always inspired me. It goes like this.

An old man, we’ll call him Moe, is sitting alone in his rocking chair wailing and bemoaning the suffering and misery of his life. Moe is sitting there miserable and crying over all the difficulties in his life and he falls asleep. Then Moe has a dream. In his dream he goes up to the next world and enters the judgement chamber. They bring the old man forward for judgement and he sees a judge, a jury and a giant pair of scales. On one side of the chamber is a black door and on the other side is a white door. The judge bangs his gavel and says “bring forth the transgressions”. The black door flies open and a huge black demon with a black sack comes out. It’s a big lumpy misshapen sack The demon opens the sack and dumps an ugly, disgusting pile of aveiros (sins) – lashon hara (evil speech, gossip), ones’ devarim (words), unkindness, dishonesty, anger – onto one side of the scales. The pile is growing and Moe is thinking “uh oh”. Another black demon comes out and dumps another pile on the scale and the pan starts to go lower. Then another demon comes and dumps and the scale drops lower and lower until it almost hits the floor. And oy vay! Oy va voy! Moe’s holding his head in his hands. Then the black door closes. The judge bangs his gavel. Bring out the mitzvos. And the white door opens and a few small frail angels come out, and their bent over and weak, and they’re carrying tiny little white bags and they reach up and empty their little bags, tink, tink, tink, into the other side of the scale and the pan barely moves. The judge looks at the door and he says “that’s it?” The angels sadly shake their heads and sit down. The judge bangs his gavel again. Now bring out the yisurin (suffering). And the white door flies open again and in come lots of big white angels with huge sacks and there’s sickness, and there’s pain, and there’s poverty, and there’s the loss of a child, and the loss of a spouse, and agmas nefesh (personal sacrifice), and tzaar gidel banim (difficulty of raising children), and more. And the angels keep coming with every tzara (illness), every pain, of Moe’s life, every stubbed toe, every dime pulled out when he wanted a quarter. And the pan of mitzvos and suffering is starting to go down and the pan of aveiros (sins) is starting to rise and Moe looks up and he sees this and he sees some hope and the angels are coming and Moe starts shouting “Noch yisurin! More suffering! Bring more suffering!” and then he wakes up.

And as we prepare to cross through the Sea of Reeds, I bless us all that we should see Hashem's hand in everything and always be reminded that everything He gives us is for our highest good.

Good Shabbos and Good Yom Tov!