First I want to thank all of my friends and neighbors and people in my community that I don’t even know, for all of the beautiful Shabbos and Yom Tov (holiday) food! Everything was so healthy and delicious!! And thank you for all the favors and the errands, and the playdates and the bedtime stories and the plants and the flowers, and the books and the articles and the jokes and the beautiful sunsets. Your love is an overwhelming healing force for me and my family!
Today was a very long day. I finished my radiation therapy this morning at 8:35am in Hackensack. Yay! Then we went right over to Sloan Kettering. We met with Dr. Krug and talked about all the treatment options. So many people have been davening for this doctor, this shaliach (messenger) of Hashem, to make the right choice for treatment. And after he laid out all the options, I looked him straight in the eye and asked him what he thought I should do. He didn’t hesitate for an instant. And so, I’m starting this exciting enhanced and targeted drug in one week on Wednesday. He wants me totally recovered from the radiation before starting. It’s a pill (well, 6 a day actually) and I take it there the first time so they can monitor me, then I take it at home every day, then I go back every 2 weeks so they can monitor me regularly. You cannot imagine my relief and gratitude that chemotherapy has been put off until we see how the pill is working. I know that this gift, this reprieve, this nes, is a result of so many people’s prayers and mitzvos done in my zechus (merit). And I had the extra added zechus of a brocha party hosted the night before at Chaya Ita and Yitz’ home. Thank you also to Reuven, Tanja and Gili for arranging it and making it so special! And I also had the added zechus of a brocha party on Pamela and Abba’s Old City rooftop overlooking Har haBayis (the temple mount) – probably just around the time that we were meeting with Dr. Krug! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! It’s working!
We had to stick around Sloan Kettering to wait for an iv dose of this bone growing drug. It took forever and I ran out of food. After testing my blood, taking an ekg and waiting interminably for the pharmacy to mix the drug, they had to stick me 5 times to get a good iv. I must have been dehydrated ‘cause my veins kept collapsing. Yoni scouted out some bananas and we made it through without too many wounds. But with each stick in the arm I tried to remind myself that Hashem is fixing something with this pain and it really made it all okay.
My back is a mess of holes where the radiated tumors used to be and I’m all off kilter. I can’t stand up for long, and I’m walking sloooooowly. But I’m finding it nice to walk slowly. The world is so beautiful!
Pesach. It’s Pesach! And as much as I’ve always loved Pesach, I feel like this is my first Pesach ever. I cleaned hardly anything in my house this year, but this year I took care of the real house, the one in my heart. And oh boy does that ever feel good.
Biur chometz feels like months ago but it was only Friday morning. So much has happened since then. But it was sososo good. Mom drove me to the park, and with the help of my brave friend Shiffie, we approached the huge fire and dropped my story right on top. I watched, amazed, as the fire carefully pulled the manuscript one page at a time into the flames, as if scanning each one before consuming it. And so, after 2 + years of writing, that is the end of Mrs. Galler and all of her friends. Baruch Hashem.
It was the first time I’ve been out in public since my diagnosis and I was nervous at first, but then I was so happy to see people I knew, especially people who I had once loved and pushed away. I was so happy to be able to hug those same people that I used to avoid in the aisles at the Kosher Konnection.
The radiation therapy started to catch up with me by Friday afternoon. My stomach was aching and burning on and off all day. We called Dr. G. just before Shabbos and he called off the treatment scheduled for Monday and I looked forward to a long 3 day healing break. And then, Shabbos night, I had such a pain in my chest I thought about calling Hatzola (Jewish paramedics), but that eventually passed and the next morning Dr. G. showed up with a special gift – a bottle of Mylanta – which, since I’m off all sugar, turned out to be a bit of a tasty treat 4 times a day (I actually thought about making a Pesach whip out of the stuff – yum!). He told me to cut my steroid dose in half starting that night and boy was that good news, but then he warned me that I’d probably have awful arthritis pain from the drop. What fun.
The sedarim were work. Hard work. I tried so hard to concentrate on fixing myself with the matzah and the marror (bitter herbs). Our neighbors gave us some fresh ground horseradish that sent the brave ones choking, but I didn’t need any. My radiated gut was in an uproar from the first bite of matzah. The bitterness of Mitzrayim (Egypt) was brewing in my belly and by the end of the seder I thought I was going to explode. It was even worse the 2nd night. Well, I ate the matzah, I did the mitzvah, and Hashem took it from there, at least I hope He did, ‘cause it was a good couple of hours of intense pain while the matzah made it’s way through my system. With each cramp I davened that it should be for spiritual cleansing – the kind of cleansing that I can’t do for myself. I fell into bed at 3am, lost consciousness and then was wide awake at 5am with intense cramping in both legs. The arthritis pain begins. And I asked that the pain be for a fixing too and after half an hour it just disappeared. Then I snuck out of bed and went into the living room to read while the rest of the family slept off the festivities.
My friend Naama was with us for Shabbos and Yom Tov and when she arrived erev Shabbos (before Shabbso) she had presented me with some gifts. One of them she was uncertain of and so, I opened it carefully in case she might need to return it. But when I saw what it was I burst into tears. You see, my davening has never been great. Maybe once in a while, but in general it has always been pretty lackluster. Well, you can imagine that right about now I’d like to have a breakthrough in that department, right? Just that morning I was thinking “I need a new special siddur” (prayer book). So, when I opened the package from Naama and it was a beautiful gold embossed, white leather Artscroll Women’s Siddur, the tears just flew. Cause Naama had no idea she was going to get me a siddur until she saw that one in the store and something made her get it. And she couldn’t have picked a better one! And for me, it was another deep, warm hug from Hashem via my angel Naama.
So, I came into the living room at 5am on the second morning of Pesach and I’m thinking I’m going to read Louise Hay or something, and I see the white siddur on the table and again I start up crying, and then I started laughing, and really loud laughing, and I just got so profoundly that Hashem gives us everything we need. Just everything. All the stuff we need, even when we think we don’t need it but we need it, and I couldn’t get over it, how perfectly He directs our lives, how beautifully he orchestrates reality for each and every one of us, each in our own little world of acutely detailed direction.
And then I got this. I got that I’m being prepared for something, some mission, some work, that I needed to turn myself inside out to be able to do. And I got that my writing is a gift and that I can make such a difference through my writing. And I got that Hashem believes in me, he really believes in me, and He’s giving me the best opportunity to become whoever I need to be to do whatever it is I’m supposed to do. And I got really excited about that, because these past weeks I’ve been all about Hashem will decide in the end what my fate will be and I’ll be okay with whatever it is instead of powerfully asking Him for my life. I was also afraid that my teshuva (spiritual fixing) would stop or I would fall backwards without the crisis, so I couldn’t ask for Him to take away the crisis.
But I see now that my real life is just beginning and it’s a powerful life and I got that He’s going to great lengths on my behalf and I thought to myself, so much effort, so much involvement, so much possibility, how could He pull me out of the game early? I’m just getting started! And that was such a Yetzias Mitzrayim (redemption from Egypt) for me! Such a moment of complete redemption. And I let go of the fear of losing the teshuva stuff. With the counting of the omer (the daily barley offering), the refinement of my rough barley into beautiful bread, and focusing on the energy of each days middah (character trait), the journey continues. And for this week it’s all glorious chesed (lovingkindness) – and so much is being fixed. I’m making all the mistakes, but I’m also trying to clean up the messes. And I can’t believe how open I am to other people pointing stuff out to me! That’s a new one!! Must be the matzah!
And now I daven that I should merit to fulfill my mission in this world, whatever Hashem reveals it to be, and I should make myself worthy of the mission every day to 120. And I can ask for the cancer angels to be taken away, even to be rewarded, because they saved my life in a deep way, like the makos (plagues) at the Yam Suf (Sea of Reeds), they were rewarded for the good work they did before they were sent away.
And then I davened from that beautiful white siddur in Hebrew and in English and I was just blown away by the davening. I got that I was dead before and now, with mortality lurking in the door, Hashem is resuscitating me. What rachamim (mercy)! I was dead and now I’m alive. And I started davening mincha (afternoon prayers) with that white siddur, and in it also is the Igeres haRamban which I read at least once a week because I love it so much and also Tehillim (psalms) – which I’ve committed to saying 10 every Shabbos - and it’s just such a beautiful little siddur and I love davening and learning from it.
The kids were amazing over Yom Tov. All of their friends are away for Pesach and I was dreading the 3 days with all of them on top of each other. I had had a conversation with my neighbor just before Shabbos about the girls new Pesach clothes. I told her that I got them each one nice new thing and they were going to wear them in honor of our Shabbos lunch at her house. And she asked me if I was worried about them dirtying their new dresses with Shabbos spills. And I thought about that, because truthfully, I have a problem with the messes the kids make of themselves and their clothes, and it bothers me that it bothers me. But instead I said to her, “no”, I don’t care what happens to their new dresses, ‘cause it’s all about the simcha (joy). And my words made a deep impression on me. So much so that, on Shabbos morning, when Yoni returned from shul (synagogue) and the kids were climbing the walls and my mother suddenly pushed her way out of the kitchen and I heard a crash and Yoni grabbed a broom, and I heard what happened, I let out a great laugh instead of getting angry. And then everyone laughed because apparently my 3 year old had found his big sister’s roller skates out in the yard and on his own he put them on and it seems he got himself into a good forward roll starting in the dining room and he was flying through the living room just as my mother caught sight of him diving for the tree in the corner by the chair to break his fall. And I laughed because really it was funny but really I was so grateful that I didn’t get mad. I really enjoyed my kids over Yom Tov. I got nachas (pleasure) from their simcha (joy). And I got that I can actually become a better mommy and that nobody can give my kids what I can. And I can daven now too that I should raise all of my children to adulthood and teach them all the things that only I can teach them.
I am so overwhelmingly moved and motivated by the worldwide response that has occurred out of one Jew’s personal crisis. I cannot get over the individual tikkunim that are happening and the community and individual tefilos (prayers) and mitzvos (deeds) that are being offered up on my behalf. I can honestly say that for the first time in my life I am so proud to be a Jew, to be my little cell in the greater organism that is klal Yisrael (the Jewish people). I am awed to observe how our individual cells move together, connect, support and bind us all as one. What an awesome antidote to the bizarre cellular activity of cancer. Am Yisrael (the nation of Israel) connects in love and unity for the good of the whole. There is so much love available among the Jewish people. When we open our doors it just flows in and out – and it’s the flowing love, neshama to neshama, soul to soul, that connects us. Let’s all work on opening up, asking for help, being ourselves, sharing our challenges, allowing contribution and learning to receive.
Learning to receive. Hashem gives us so so much all the time constantly but we don’t even notice it. I think the more we make ourselves keilim (vessels) to receive the more He gives or at least the more we are able to perceive of His gifts. He loves us so much. Don’t miss it! His love is everywhere!!!
Thursday, April 17, 2008
The pain in my back is SO MUCH better today! I’m moving around a bit more, only slightly limping, and I have a lot more mobility in my foot and toes. What a relief! It was pretty bad a few days ago and I was thinking things were going haywire, but an xray showed that the thing in my femur and the thing on my rib are under control. Dr. G. promised nothing to worry about while we await the next treatment. The radiation therapy must be working, Baruch Hashem. How could it not? The storm in Heaven is loud as all get out! The storm of davening all over the world is not to be believed! And you can’t imagine my own davening in those 2 minutes every day with the death-ray x-ray beam targeted on my back. Very intense. Very awesome!
Okay, so I’ve kept everyone in the dark about the Sloan Kettering diagnosis/drug thing long enough. Here’s the story. There are lots of kinds of lung cancer and there is this one very rare form of lung cancer that hits women under 45 who never smoked. Well, wouldn’t you know it, the morning after my meeting with the Skver rebbe the result came in and I am positive for this very unusual cell abnormality. But this is very good news because there is a drug that’s been on the market for a long while now that is extremely effective at putting the buggers into longer remission than the traditional lung cancer chemo drugs, BLI AYIN HARA A MILLION TIMES!!!! It’s a targeted drug and the doctors are very excited about how powerful it has proven to be. If it works for me, the prognosis is much better than it was a few days ago. Faster response and more time with my family. Okay, you could poo poo it all, but DON’T! Because I KNOW that this is such a nes (miracle). Hashem chose this moment to reveal the information. All the other information was in so much earlier. This little piece was held back until this particular moment. Do you see the nes? Do you feel His love? He’s loving me through this like you can’t imagine. I feel so hugged. Just look outside! Well, it’s a little dark right now, but have you noticed the trees? Do you dig the weather? Do you feel His hug?
So, I’m starting the drug on Wednesday Chol Hamoed, the last day of radiation therapy. It’s a pill. Imagine! A cancer killing pill. Talk about nissim! PLEASE DAVEN that this drug should do it’s good work on me and not hurt my body. As good as it’s been proven, it’s not a guaranty that it will work. And then there are the statistics. So according to STATISTICS, lung cancer doesn’t go away. It could go to sleep for a while, a short while, a long while, but only for a while. Eventually it gets you. But I’m about it going away and my doctors are happy to see that miracle too. And anyway, Hashem is the doctor. It’s all in His hands.
So it’s a pretty powerful cell killing drug and I’ll probably be covered in pimples like Vashti for a while so let’s do please have a sense of humor about all that, okay? There are other side effects that I’d really rather do without as well. You don’t even want to know. We’re not sure yet if I’ll be having chemotherapy simultaneously, or we’ll hold off, do this drug for a week or two, do a scan and then do chemo depending on what the tumors are doing. PLEASE DAVEN that the doctors make the right choice, cause the first shot out of the gate with any cancer is always the most effective and remember, I’m about it going away, not just shrinking some and going to sleep. The doctors need to carefully decide which drugs to hold back for any future flare ups. Apparently cancer cells become resistant to drugs pretty fast. And there are only so many drugs available before you run out of options. Smart buggers. Hashem’s angels. Amazing really.
My Pesach cleaning list is almost complete. I have scoured my heart and let go of so many resentments. So many people to reach out to. Decades of broken relationships. I feel so light inside and out and I have so many new/old friends! And so many old friends who are new again, because they’re different too! So much is getting fixed. I can’t believe how much garbage I’ve been shlepping. Oy. I’m so done with the shlepping. And for what? It got me nothing but sick sick sick. It’s all out by the curb. You can’t see it when you drive by, but it’s all out there waiting for the big fire in the park on erev Pesach (before Passover).
There’s so much more to do. I’ve only started to scratch the surface. I daven so hard for real and complete teshuva. I keep blowing it too. I get irritated with the kids, with Yoni, with all the interruptions, but I try to catch myself and fix it. So much fixing. Maybe my hard head will just get it and stop making the same dumb mistakes. Wouldn’t that be so much easier? I guess it doesn’t work that way. I guess I have to keep making the mistakes till I really get it.
It’s weird how a crisis can start to become the new normal. I’m feeling too normal. I have this challenge in my life and it’s just what I have. What do you have? We all have something. I don’t want it to be so normal that I just go to sleep again. NO! I don’t want to go to sleep again. I want to keep breaking the shells. I want to keep meeting my real self. I have to wake myself up a little bit now, pinch myself awake, because it’s getting too normal and the yetzer hara (evil inclination) is standing very close. More energy, less pain, let’s go shopping! NO! What mitzvah can I do right now to merit life, to merit Moshiach (messiah)! Okay, a little shopping is good. It’s an investment in future. I believe I have a future. I forgot for a few days that I do have a future. It feels good to have a future, but it’s also dangerous cause it takes me out of the NOW. Writing helps. Keeps me focused on the process.
Having you in mind ALL THE TIME helps me stay the course. Do you know that? We’re so connected. We’re all in this teshuva together, working so hard on ourselves, on our relationship with Hakadosh Baruch Hu (the Holy One). Knowing we’re connected helps keep what’s important so imminent for me when I really just want to read Martha Stewart and waste an hour of my precious life, time with my kids, time helping a friend with their personal challenge. Well, Martha won this time. The bad guy argued well that I deserved the time off. No harm done, right? There were some really good recipes in this month’s issue by the way. Can’t wait to make them for Shabbos!! The yetzer hara is happy to convince me that there’s plenty of time. But there isn’t any time! All there is is NOW! And there’s so much to do! There’s so much at stake! Anyway, THANK YOU for being there to remind me to stay present to the fixing!!! It is all I really want right now. The yetzer hara will have to wait.
I’ll write again over Chol HaMoed (the middle days of Passover) and give an update on treatment. Please don’t forget to daven specifically for this drug to work and to not hurt me too badly and for the right chemo cocktail if and when it’s the right time. And don’t stop your amazing mitzvos! Such incredible things people are doing. Only good good good can come of it for all of us!
PLEASE keep writing to me. I eat up every Guestbook entry and every email even though I can’t personally respond to all of them. I read them all and I treasure them.
Speaking of eating, I can’t wait to eat the matzah! R. Templer said the matzah is my best medicine. Bread of humility. Yes, I’m looking hard at humility. That’s a real tough one for me and I can’t wait to eat that humble bread, to absorb that energy into my neshama (soul). ‘Cause who am I to think that I’m so great? Everyone’s great and I want to be with everyone’s greatness! Hashem made us all so beautiful and awesome and I forget that. I need this humility so badly. So much could go to my head right now. So many people giving to me so much and loving me so much and it could all go to my head in a flash and then where would I be? For nothing. And that yetzer hara is knocking on my door so loud!!!! Must eat the matzah and get EVERYONE’S greatness. Cause we’re all of us precious, beautiful, unique, individual, incredible gifts from Hashem. And really, we’re all we have in this reality. Each other. My neshama and yours. That’s all there really is.
Anyway, let’s all eat the matzah together with such intentionality – let’s have a real yetziyas Mitzrayim – a geula shleima (complete redemption) – and you know it could really be! And it could be in the blink of an eye! L’Shana Habah B’Yerushalayim (Next year in Jerusalem)!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Thank you to all of Yoni's students who gathered last night at JICNY to learn together in my zechus (merit). Your feedback is amazing and awesome. I am totally moved by the mitzvos people are taking on - please have me in mind but remember they are for you! For your tikkun (fixing), for YOUR coming closer to the One Above Who loves you most. The zechusim are for each of us and all of us and it is such a wonder.
Please keep going and go even deeper. So much is possible right now!
