Thank you so much for staying in touch with me! Your Guestbook entries and private emails help so much to keep me in a very high place as I travel down this road. It’s amazing to me, this feedback loop that just sort of happened (all Yad Hashem, the hand of G-d) that’s keeping us all so spiritually tuned in and inspired. Please keep writing to me!
A lot of people have been sharing their own very personal challenges with me. I feel so blessed to be able to connect so deeply to so many people. It’s refreshing to hear people open up about their own journeys. It’s sad that we tend to keep so much hidden. Everyone has a challenging journey and it’s hard and lonely to travel alone. Sharing the struggle is so healing for us individually and so bonding for us as a klal, as a community. Please keep sharing!
Thank you my angels for so many things! Thank you for the late night takeout delivered to the hospital and for the yellow orchid. Thank you for the Shabbos roses, the incredible Shabbos meals (and the extra chocolate cake and oatmeal cookies), the wonderful meals delivered with so much love all week long, the organic chicken veg soup and apple honey cake, the so-lovingly prepared macro meals and education, the long trip accompanying me to the doctor, the beautiful weeping cherry (I intend to stick around for many years to watch that slow growing tree rise up to full maturity!), the homework and bedtime help, the Shabbos helpers, the Shabbos visits (BH for the beautiful weather – perfect for porching!!), the carpools, the errands (Whole Foods, Kosher Konnection, Farmer’s Market). Thank you for understanding when I need to cut visits short and be with my kids, for the coaching, the eitzah (advice) and the last minute Balderdash (and no, nobody let me win, I beat everyone fair and square). And please, please forgive me if I’ve left something out. Again, it is so hard to write everything down – every day brings so much chesed. But please know that everything that comes is so so appreciated!
Thank you so so much for the bounty of tefilos, brochos, tehillim, learning, shiuirim, mitzvos done in my merit and everyone’s incredible kavanos. And thank you for the incredible, awesome, inspiring transformation that you are experiencing for yourselves out of it all. Playing full out in life, breaking through the barriers that have always stopped you, meeting opportunities at that level, these mean the most to me. I owe my own transformation to Hashem and to you too - my partners. Never underestimate the power of sharing the journey of growth and transformation. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!!
Thank you so much for the hachnasos kallah checks that keep pouring in. We received $7,082 so far, which was generously matched with another $7,082. That brings us to $14,164. This will pay for close to 4 weddings of poor and orphan brides in Israel! What a zechus for all of us!!!!! We don’t have far to go to get to our initial goal of $18,000.
So here we are in Iyar, an auspicious month for healing. I received a wonderful email from a friend with a link to Mindy Ribner’s website (www.kabblahoftheheart.com – please check it out - Mindy would love you to join her group). I contacted Mindy and she happily gave me permission to reprint the following:
Blessings for Iyar
Iyar is the month of healing. The Hebrew letters for the name of Iyar spell out the intials of the verse 'Ani Hashem Rofecha - I am God your Healer'. Iyar is a time of detoxifcation, purification and refinement of one's character traits. As spring begins to emerge more fully during the month of Iyar, we also bring ourselves to a new order, a new alignment. Iyar is the time of letting go of what does not support one's well being,what is toxic, what is false, and it is a time for opening up to what does support one's well being, what is true, what is real.
All healing comes from a connection with God. Remember you cannot do it solely on your own. The Talmud reminds us that those in prison cannot free themselves. We need to go beyond the ego mind to access the divinity within and outside of ourselves. Sometimes people pray for healing,but because they do not believe inwardly in the power of their words or in the power of God, they do not open to the experience of being healed or transformed. Yet, as we strengthen our connection with the Divine, we open to greater angelic energies for divine healing, which occurs through the ministry of angels. By prayer, meditation, doing good deeds in accordance with divine will, we open our hearts to greater love, we reduce anger and jealousy, we strengthen the connection of our souls to our bodies and this promotes healing.
(This was an excerpt from Kabbalah Month by Month. Please refer to this book for more information about the healing opportunities of Iyar.)
So I was very happy that this surgery was scheduled for the first week in Iyar, in the week of Tiferes (beauty, balance and harmony). The docs had told me in our initial consultation that I might be uncomfortable for about 30 hours after the surgery, and that they hoped I’d be out of there and on my way home by 2pm after the 9am procedure. Well, I came out of the OR at 1pm and the surgeons said everything went perfectly, despite what turned out to be some pretty wicked pain afterwards.
After trying three different opiates, the next pain killer worked and I was blissfully comfy and totally spaced out. Several hours passed in recovery and the surgeons, the pain management specialist, and the nurse in charge really wanted me to stay overnight. They were afraid I’d have a “pain crisis” at home and they wouldn’t be able to help me. Isn’t that nice? They have such nice narcotics and I wouldn’t be able to have any if I went home. Well, I was afraid that my Mom and the kids would panic if I didn’t come home from the hospital after they fully expected me to. Then one of the nurses came and said “you need to do what’s best for you”. Then I tried to get to the bathroom. Well, with a wheelchair, lots of assistance and a great deal of discomfort, I made it there, but I knew there was no way I could manage at home that night. So I said yes and immediately relaxed.
I’m so glad I stayed! They put me in a nice private room and my friend brought me some yummy food and I had these wonderful leg massagers to prevent blood clots and the nurses left me alone till 5am except when I needed them. I was hooked up to a narcotic drip, so sweet, and they told me if I needed more I could just push this little button and get a fast full dose. Imagine! A fast full dose at the push of a button! What some people wouldn’t pay for that kind of hospitality!
Well, all the fun ended at 5am when my nurse arrived and told me I had to get out of bed, sit in a chair, and eventually get walking. Party over. I sat in the chair for a couple of hours, trying so hard to keep my head up. It was a little bit like torture. I just wanted to lay in that comfy bed and doze off with the drugs. But my temperature was elevated and the nurse knew I wanted to go home and so she really needed me moving. Within a little while my temp was normal and I knew she was right. I’d never leave if I didn’t start moving. I was so afraid to move.
The pain management team – all seven of them – came in around 11 am to talk about meds to take home. They LOVE dispensing meds! They sent me home with a 3 day patch of the IV stuff I’d been on, at a reduced dose, and another 3 day patch at a further reduced dose. Apprently this drug also needs a weaning period to avoid flu symptom side effects. It seems like just everything in this world is a double edged sword! They said I should feel free to take Percocet if I needed an extra boost. I took two before we headed for the garage. Even with the patch and the Percocet I was really nervous about the trip to the car and the ride home. Earlier in the day, Yoni helped me get walking while we waited for them finish up my discharge paperwork. I was so proud of myself moving at a snail’s pace through the halls. It gave me a little bit of courage for the trip home.
The trip home was long and bumpy and I gripped the car like a cat in a tree the whole way. When we arrived in the driveway I was pretty wrung out. I could barely walk. It took about 15 minutes to negotiate the short trip from the car to my bed, which freaked out my mother and the kids. I tried to reassure them that I was really fine, just stressed from the drive, as I passed each of them on my way to my room.
Then I slept for three hours. I woke up at 5pm, exactly 30 hours after they finished the surgery and with some help I got to the bathroom and took a shower for Shabbos. I suddenly felt so much better and I walked unassisted into the kitchen and sat down at the table to supervise the kitchen preparations. My mother was shocked. I was shocked. The pain was significantly reduced. Just like they said. But then it just stopped there.
Shabbos was great and all the drugs kept me fairly comfy and quite a bit spacey. I was okay sitting and lying down, but getting up from lying down was, and still is, a dreadful experience. I called one of the surgeons today and he assured me that everything is fine, the surgery was perfect and that some people take 1 to 2 weeks to feel better. He said I should just keep taking the pain killers until the pain subsides. Whew! It was a relief to hear that this pain is normal. I relaxed a lot after that, took my Percocet and had a great day.
Last week I met with the head of Integrative Medicine at Sloan Kettering. She wasn’t into the macrobiotic diet until I assured her that I was adding lots of extra protein from fish, tempeh, nuts and almond butter and occasional organic chicken. She was worried about Vitamin D (which is necessary for healthy bone growth – and is especially important for women approaching menopause, not to mention my damaged bones struggling to regrow). I don’t drink milk and vitamin D is not so readily available from other foods. She had my vitamin D level tested and I found out today that I’m dangerously low. I have a feeling that most of us are dangerously low. So, let this be a warning to all of us ladies. She recommended vitamin D supplements (Vitamin D3, or cholecalciferol at 2000 IU per day for 4 weeks, then decrease to 1200 IU per day thereafter.) That's a very big dose. She also recommended careful massage, yoga, meditation, acupuncture and a few other wonderful mind/body/spirit interventions. Cool! Sounds good to me!!
So the macrobiotics are going very well. I have a few very dedicated macromamas cooking for me and teaching me everything they know to enhance my healing. It’s a whole new way of looking at food and food prep. I can’t wait to start cooking again! I had been eating pretty healthy before this, but now I’m really learning so much about nutrition, specific foods, what’s good for healing, what’s not good, organics, etc. I’m excited to bring this higher commitment to healthy eating to my kids’ diets too.
We’re planning some great cooking workshops here as soon as I’m up to standing in the kitchen again and a few people have been asking me for guidance in their food/menu/recipe planning as they move to more healthy ways of eating. I love that! I’ve always loved that! Seems like I’ve got lots of fun projects coming my way. And then there’s the cookbook to write… Not to mention other book ideas. Looks like lots of new opportunities are presenting themselves. I figured it would happen this way. Hashem is revealing my path, a little bit at a time. Nothing too overwhelming. At least not yet. I love it. I feel very tuned in to myself and to His will for my life’s journey.
Life seems to be slowing down and some sort of routine is emerging. I’m finding that the daily insights are slowing down too. It’s sad, but also a bit of a relief. I was so afraid that my inner work would stagnate or decline if the intensity diminished. Well, it has, and now I have to do that hard work to remember, practice and integrate what I’ve learned over the last month. I see how easily we just go back to sleep, succumbing to the yetzer hara, the evil inclination.
I’ve been slipping. Irritation, resentment, anger and impatience have found their way back into my heart. The voice of the yetzer hara is so enticing! Come on! Crawl back into that comfy bed and drift off to drug induced dreams. I'll even massage your legs for you! But I have to get up, sit in the chair, and then get walking. Despite the pain and discomfort. There’s no other choice really, no other way to get home. I have to remember that I’m allergic to those things now! I have to go back inward, remember the stands that I took for my life, and let all the useless reactions go. It’s a lot of in-the-moment daily work and I know I have a ways to go before I get to mastery.
It seems like Hashem is constantly bombarding me with opportunities to lovingly, compassionately communicate my boundaries. I think this is a major tikkun, fixing, for me at this juncture of my life. Well, okay then. So, I keep noticing all the messy communications. They actually make me sick afterwards now. That's good! And I keep cleaning them up. It's hard to remember to come from joy and gratitude when I'm stuck in a bad feeling. Every day I have something to clean up. I’m not getting it so fast. Thick head. Stiff necked. But I know I can do it. I will do it. I am doing it!
Tonight Yoni said I looked a lot better and it seemed to him like I felt a lot better when I got off the phone with the doctor earlier in the day. It’s true. The fear factor was definitely contributing to the pain. I hold pain when I’m afraid, I’m sure most of us do. And I thought about something that Sara Rigler told me when she came to visit me last week. She said that Rebbetzin Chaya Sara Kramer once said to her, “nobody dies from cancer, they only die from fear.” That made so much sense to me. And I’ve thought about it a lot since Sara said it to me.
As the craziness of the last weeks has started to slow down, I’ve had some moments of fear and doubt creep in. And I thought about that statement. And I thought about the mitzvah, Ivdu es Hashem b’Simcha. Even in the dark moments we have a commandment to serve Hashem with joy. And I’ve discovered real joy over the past weeks, in some of the darkest moments of my life. And the Skver Rebbe even said to me, and he looked me right in the eye when he said it, I must be b’Simcha. Yes, simcha, joy, chases away fear. It saves from death. And every moment of life, for all of us, is presented with a choice, choose life or death. And we can choose joy or fear, love or anger, forgiveness or resentment. Every moment we get to choose. Life or death.
I’m starting my new drug therapy on Wednesday. It’ll be a long day starting with an EKG at 9am, then blood work, then the pills, then a consult with the oncologist, then a four hour wait, then another EKG, then more blood, then rush hour traffic. I’m excited about it. (Not the traffic part.) Another new adventure! Please daven that I should tolerate the drug well and that Hashem should make it a good shaliach, a good angel/agent, for my complete healing. It’s an excellent drug, with minimal probable side effects compared to traditional chemotherapy. Please pray that I should not know from the other (or even any) side effects. I’ll have a scan after a month. Please pray also that it should be completely clean. I have a lot of work to do in this world and my kids have many years of childhood ahead of them. I want to be here for all of it. And I’m curious to see how that new baby tree in front of my house grows up!
With blessings for joy and with so much love,
Simcha Esther
PS I will be going back into my journal and adding translations for all the Hebrew terminology as soon as possible. I'm sorry for any confusion!
Friday, May 9, 2008
Dearest Friends,
Thank you for your tefilos - the surgery went very well, b'h.
Very painful recovery - I had to stay overnight. (They have great drugs here! :) )
I'm still at the hospital waiting to be discharged. Hoping to head home soon - will write more after Shabbos.
Have a blessed Shabbos,
much love,
Simcha Esther
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Dearest Friends,
So the 'procedure' is scheduled for 9:15am. Thank you for your tefilos! I'll be in touch ASAP afterwards.
