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| Friday, January 2, 2009 |
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I ate at least 10 doughnuts and 15 potato latkes over Chanukah, can you imagine? Not all at once. I gained 10 pounds too, not all at once. I’m starting a new chemo on Monday. It’s once a week for three weeks, then one week off. They say there are minimal side effects. Mostly fatigue, which I would actually benefit from at this point since I never sleep anymore, and neuroapathy. (That sounds terrible, no? Pins and needles and loss of sensation in fingers and toes.) I asked if I’ll lose my appetite. They said maybe. Too bad. I really want to lose that 10 pounds of doughnuts. The best part of this new therapy is that I don’t have to take any steroids in advance of the meds. They sure put the weight on and I eat like a football player for days. My hair is falling out faster from the last drugs and the new drugs will continue the loss. I’m not baldy, but my ponytail is about as thick as a pencil now. Oh well. It’s all from Hashem. It’s all for my good. A person’s real beauty is not in their hair, or their face, or their clothes, right? I’ll work on it. Thank you so much to so many people who gave us so many surprises this week! Thank you for the beautiful homemade baby doughnuts and a pie and Bananagrams and Barnes and Noble gift cards for the kids, and a video for them, and great meals and lots of great stuff for the partay Motzei Shabbos. And a huge thank you to Gili Houpt for leading the awesome music at the Melava Malka, with fabulous accompaniment by Tzvi, Dovid and Yoni on guitars, banjo, drums and recorder. Thank you to everyone who came by and shared in the fun! And a huge thank you to my sister and brother-in-law, Rachael and Yitzchok Reissman for sponsoring a lot of learning in my merit. We had a great week of filming starting with my CT scan last Friday. We went to the Sloan Kettering facility in Basking Ridge hoping that they’d be more lenient about the camera there than in Manhattan and SCORE! The tech let Tsvika film the entire thing . We’re even going back to get an interview with her. After all the drama on Monday I got very concretely that so much of my healing is in my mind. And here’s how I KNOW. 1. After Dr. Krug told me that there was no new growth I woke up on Tuesday practically pain free. 2. While Lucy was hooking up the IV and getting the chemo drugs ready on Monday I was having little physical reactions that I KNEW were precursors to a bigger reaction. I was surprised when she told me she hadn’t even started the drip yet. See, the power of the mind. I’m getting that thought is at the root of everything. Everything in creation begins with Hashem’s ratzon – His will, and then there's His thought. And, in His likeness, we are created with chochma, binah and daas, the functions of the mind that refine the flashes of thought into actionable possibilities. We also have ratzon that comes before chochma. And I'm working very hard on presencing the ratzon. I’m very eager to learn more and to harness the power of my thoughts for good. Dr. Gatto has been working with me on this for months, but I’m hard headed, and just now I feel like Hashem has shown me some tangible proofs in order to move forward and fight the battle with all of my guns. He’s strengthening my muscles to fight off the negative thoughts and one good friend offered to get me a 2x4 to knock myself upside the head every time I overindulge in negativity. That’s what friends are for, right? There are so many positive thoughts I could have instead. Dr. Gatto is also working with me to visualize my future, something fantastic and wonderful to hold onto and pull me forward. It’s been nine months since I was diagnosed and I realized that for nine months I haven’t let myself think about any kind of distant future. I haven’t invested much at all in that department. The farthest out I’ve gone is about three or four months. I think it’s normal, but now I want to and it’s strange and exciting. I’m really eager to learn what I can from Chassidus about this mind over matter thing and I was thinking about people I could learn from, learn with and I thought of someone great. And would you believe that I ran smack into her today in between appointments in Teaneck? And she wants to learn with me too! G-d is so good. I didn’t have the hamburger or the beer on Monday. I was too wiped out from the Benadryl. So Team Chemo drove home to New Jersey and I promptly feel asleep before we even crossed the GW Bridge. We made a l’chaim the next day for the good scan results and we agreed to celebrate every positive result hereonin. I’ve been working out again. Thirty minutes on the treadmill every morning and while I’m going I keep saying to myself “I am healing, I am healing” and I am. I feel great. Tons of energy, great mood, feeling peaceful. Those are all pretty enticing benefits to motivate me to get me started every morning. And then there’s those ten pounds…. We had a great time last night going house to house filming all these great women making challah and saying the brocha. We even grabbed a few short interviews while we were at it. All the women are part of the circle of forty that Nancy Miller put together. They’ve been baking tons and tons of challah in my merit for many months now. It’s going to be a beautiful montage in the film. Thank you ladies for being part of the project and for all the amazing zechusim!!!! I finished all my Shabbos cooking in between filming and I’m so excited that Na’ama, Chaya Ita, Yitzchak, Chaya and Dovid are all coming. We’re having Indian for dinner – Whole wheat, spelt and oat bran challah, mulligatawny soup, curried chicken, brown basmati rice, sautéed green beans, cauliflower and peas, and that yummy banana chocolate chip cake from Atara. The chicken cholent stew for lunch looks awesome. So here’s my challah recipe. It’s been circulating for years and many women have adapted it and made it their own. Feel free to make it your own and enjoy! 3 envelopes yeast or 2 Tbsp fresh granulated yeast 5 Tbsp pure honey 4 ¼ cups lukehot water (hotter than warm, cooler than scalding) 5 pounds flour +/- (I use mostly whole grain pastry flour with some whole spelt, oat bran, etc.) 2 scant tablespoons sea salt 4 eggs ½ to ¾ cup canola oil ¼ to 1 cup pure honey 1 egg Sesame and/or poppy seeds (optional) In a large basin or bowl pour the water over the yeast and add the honey. Let stand for five minutes to make sure the yeast is bubbling and growing. Add to the bubbling yeast half the flour and the rest of the ingredients. Mix well until all the ingredients are incorporated. Then add the rest of the flour and begin kneading the dough. If the dough is too wet add more flour a little at a time until the dough is stiff but not sticky. Knead until the dough is smooth and elastic and it bounces back when poked. Pour a few tablespoons of oil on top of the dough and turn it a few times in the basin until it is lightly coated with the oil. Cover with plastic wrap or a clean dry towel and let rise for one hour in a warm place. Punch down the dough and let rise again for up to one hour. (I sometimes don’t rise the dough again, and it’s usually fine. You can also rise the loaves shaped in the pans before baking.) Make the brocha and take challah. (Spice and Spirit and many cookbooks have the brocha and y’hi ratzon, also some siddurim.) Shape the dough into braids, rolls or bears (I do that for Parshas Noach) and place in greased tins or on greased cookie sheets. Brush with beaten egg (careful not to let the egg drip down the sides) and sprinkle with seeds if using. Bake at 350 until nicely browned, golden on the bottom and when they sound hollow when tapped on the bottom. Let the loaves cool then wrap well in foil wrap. Freeze whatever you know you won’t need and warm the loaves you’ll be using for Shabbos. Have a great Shabbos! Much love, SE PS For the record, I put chipotle chili powder in my chili – it’s awesome and hot. Use sparingly at first. |
| Monday, December 29, 2008 |
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Dearest Friends, I had a horrible drug reaction. Oy! When they started the chemo drip everyone was davening, all of team chemo was saying Tehillim together and I was begging Hashem to keep me safe, to protect me, to direct the drugs directly to the bad cells, but about 4 minutes into the infusion my chest very suddenly tightened up and got very hot. I got all red again (good thing I was wearing purple, purple and red are a great combination and I knew it would look great on film!Tsvika finished his Tehila and jumped up, reluctantly taking up his camera. After the last chemo trip I told him to film whatever happens. He felt bad about it, but I had insisted and he knew it was what I wanted. He got great footage of the whole crazy scene and all the staff running to help me. All the good, the bad, the ugly.) And then there was this whooshing pain in my chest and my breathing was very shallow and there were sharp shooting pains in my arms and legs and they had to give me more benedryl and steroids and oxygen and after a few minutes I felt much better, despite the fatigue from the benadryl. Oy, Hashem has His plans. I'll be starting a new drug next week that is related to the standard drug that they gave me. It's prepared in a way that minimizes the side effect during infusion. Not sure when I'm scheduled to go back exactly, but at least I KNOW that there are drugs out there that can stop the cancer in it's tracks. Ella already did some research on the next drug and she's very optimistic. It's all a comfort. And now, whenever I have a scary though, I tell myself "I am healing, Hashem is healing me right now." And I pull all the healing energy of the universe into my body through my head and I can see and feel the light coming into me very strong and I believe in the healing. And I know that in the end, my belief in the healing will be the biggest contributor to the outcome. It's all good. And the adventures are intense and awesome. Thank you for your tefilos. Thank G-d the staff was prepared and ready and they got me through it. I love you all lots! Simcha Esther |
| Monday, December 29, 2008 |
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dear healing angels Good news ... No new cancer growth Doing second round of chemo today Dr krug is concerned about bigger drug reactions He is standing close by in case of emergency Please daven for me Starting the big drugs around noon Will celebrate the good ct results with a burger and a beer Megan prescribed the beer ... After the chemo Love you Simcha Esther |
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