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| Friday, December 26, 2008 |
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Dear Friends, I’m still going with the flow, though life can get pretty crazy. Shabbos was beautiful. We had Chaya and Dovid and a couple of Goldhar kids for lunch. The snow made everything extra special. Motzei Shabbos the gang got together for Balderdash, but there was much eating (mostly I did the eating) and talking (yup, that was mostly me too), and not much Balderdashing. I cannot remember who won. Obviously it wasn’t me. The first night of Chanukah was much fun, though we did not have the Women’s Healing Circle, due to the weather. We’ve rescheduled for Wednesday night, January 7. I made a huge pile of latkes and everyone lit their menorah and Bubba gave all the kids a gift. It was a beautiful scene. Sorry we didn’t film it! Everyone was at their best. The big kids even played a good game of dreidel. I’ve been davening extra hard for miracles this Chanukah and I’ve already seen a few. I’ve been really stressed out lately. Not handling everything as I’d like. I’ve been feeling like I want to jump out of my skin sometimes. And then one day this week, when I was having a particularly difficult moment, I noticed this book next to my bed, “Stand Like Mountain Flow Like Water” (I think my friend Lisa gave it to me). Now, you must know that this book has been next to my bed for months but I never really looked at it. This time the title caught me and I picked it up. Well, it’s all about stress and how to let it go, get with G-d, go with the flow, and use the opportunity to make positive changes. It’s already helped me recognize a lot of things that are going on and I’m doing much better. Dad and Fran flew in on Monday from North Carolina for a Chanukah visit with us. It was so so good having them here. I had to leave for the city on Monday afternoon to give my weekly blood at Sloan Kettering, but the kids were so happy to see their Grandpa and Grandma when they arrived home from school. After Sloan Kettering, Team Chemo met for dinner and Clare joined us at Deli Kasbah. We all resisted the burgers and opted for healthier fare. I was proud of myself. On Tuesday my rib hurt a lot, but it was a good day and I laughed a lot. I think all the laughing made the pain worse. Can you fracture a rib from laughing? I think I did. Oh well. It was worth it. Uncle David came to visit on Tuesday and I made an even bigger pile of latkes (which looked very nice on camera!) We all had a great time. The kids were home on Wednesday. Too much ice in Monsey. My rib hurt a lot and I had a hard time getting a good breath. Finally I took some Percocet, which didn’t help much till I took another one. I spent the day pretty out of it from the stuff. What a brocha that Dad and Fran were here to help entertain the kids. That night Team Chemo trekked out to the Ohel. There was much laughing all the way to Queens and my rib started hurting again. But once we got there I forgot all about it. As always, it was just so good let it all out to Hashem via the Rebbe. There was a big box of jelly doughnuts for the taking and they were yum! I ate a whole one, and part of Ella’s. I really must get a grip. I’m starting to get fat. We laughed all the way home and I climbed into bed at 3am. Tsvika got some great footage today of Dad and I visiting my grandmother’s grave on Staten Island. I’d never been there, but Grandma Anna and I had been very close before she died. She was a real character. Tons of fun and a little bit crazy. I think I’m like her. Then we went to see the house my family lived in when I was born. Dad couldn’t get over how the house was exactly how we’d left it when I was three. When I looked at the back porch I remembered a very sweet picture of my dad holding me in a lawn chair out there when I was a few days old. It’s a comfort that as life moves forward quickly, some things never change. I took Dad and Fran to the airport to catch their flight home and I was so sad coming back into the house. I’ve been sad a lot lately when people say goodbye. Everything feels like an ending to me. I don’t know what the future will bring. I can’t look past about three months anymore. When I came home the house felt empty without them, but life goes on. After a long nap (remember, I was up till 3am the night before, and the kids woke me up at 7) I made dinner and lit Chanukah candles. After the kids were in bed I did all of my Shabbos cooking. I made a yummy lentil soup, everyone’s all time favorite chili, and chicken tagine (with whole chickens) with prunes and almonds. Tomorrow I’ll make a fresh beet salad, a carrot salad and that’ll be it for the cooking part. I’m also making a big pot of black bean chili after Shabbos for the party. It’s 12:45 now and I have a few more odds and ends to take care of. I have to be ready by 7:15am tomorrow to get to my CT scan on time. Please daven for me, for a miracle. If all goes well, I’ll continue with the current chemo cocktail on Monday. Should be lots of fun. Don’t forget about our party this Motzei Shabbos at 9pm. And yes, I’d be happy if people brought food and/or drink. 86 Elmwood Avenue, Passaic. Many special thanks for all the beautiful gifts I received this week! A big thank you to everyone at Rofeh Cholim Cancer Society for the terrific presents for the kids. Thank you so much to Irene Victor for the healthy Breslov cookbook, to Amy Barnett for the great CD, to Marilyn for the Chanukah cookie cutters and candle, and to Zisi for the sweet potato pie – which was gone in seconds! Everyone in my house feels very blessed and very loved. Have a wonderful Shabbos and hang onto the miraculous energy of Chanukah! Much love, Simcha Esther French Lentil Soup – 6 servings • 3 tbsp extra virgin olive oil • 2 cups chopped onions • 1 cup chopped celery • 1 cup chopped carrots • 2 garlic cloves, chopped • 4 cups (or more) vegetable broth • 1 1/4 cups lentils, rinsed, drained • 1 14 1/2–ounce can diced tomatoes in juice • Balsamic vinegar (optional) Heat oil in heavy large saucepan over medium–high heat. Add onions, celery, carrots, and garlic; sauté until vegetables begin to brown, about 15 minutes. Add 4 cups broth, lentils, and tomatoes with juice and bring to boil. Reduce heat to medium–low, cover, and simmer until lentils are tender, about 35 minutes. Transfer 2 cups soup (mostly solids) to blender and puree until smooth. Return puree to soup in pan; thin soup with more broth by 1/4 cupfuls, if too thick. Season with salt, pepper, and a splash of vinegar, if desired. Ladle soup into bowls. Vegetarian Black Bean Chili – 4 servings • 1 medium onion chopped • 1 medium green bell pepper, in 1/4" dice • 1-1/2 cups + 1 TBS vegetable broth • 6 medium cloves garlic, chopped • 2 cans black beans, drained • 1 can (8oz) tomato sauce • 1 can (15oz) diced tomatoes, (do not drain) • 2 TBS ground cumin • 2 TBS red chili powder • 2 TBS dried oregano • 1 cup corn kernels, fresh or frozen • ¼ cup fresh cilantro, chopped • Salt and black pepper to taste Heat 1 TBS broth in a medium size soup pot. Healthy sauté onion and bell pepper in broth over medium heat for about 5 minutes stirring frequently, until translucent. Add garlic, cumin, red chili powder and continue to sauté for another minute. Add 1 ½ cups broth and rest of ingredients, except cilantro and corn. Simmer for another 20 minutes uncovered. Add corn and cook for another 2 minutes. Add chopped cilantro and season with salt & pepper to taste. |
| Friday, December 19, 2008 |
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Hey Everybody, Got snow? It’s coming down hard here and Mom and I are in the kitchen finishing up the cooking for Shabbos. I made whole wheat, spelt and oat bran challah and they look gorgeous! We’re also having Caesar salad (Again! Family loves the stuff.), harira, Yemenite chicken and beef, brown rice, green beans, and sautéed collards and kale with garlic. I made Atara’s so so yummy banana chocolate chip cake again. (Try it lightly toasted with a peanut butter shmear – pure heaven!) and Akiva made brownies. Lunch is standard Shabbos fare. We’re having Chaya and Dovid, just back from the holy land, and maybe Chaya Ita and Yitz. The more the merrier!! Mark the date for our Chanukah Open House Musical Melave Malka, next Motzei Shabbos, December 27, 9:00PM. Yoni and I hope to see lots of you here! We had a great time with Na’ama and the Ansbachers last Shabbos and Tzvi came by Motzei Shabbos for a short round of Balderdash. We polished off the chicken cholent stew – wow! It was amazing. Akiva joined us and he continues to impress with his well written contributions. We went into the city on Monday to be bled again. Five tubes of blood for science. Hey, it’s the least I can do. Turns out the CT scan of my head shows bone lesions on my skull. What fun! Well, at least my brain is clean. And I still have my hair. It’s a lot to process. What a trip. Ella, Atara and I took a road trip to Woodstock on Tuesday and Tsvika came along to capture the fun on film. Yes, you read correctly, Woodstock. It’s a very special place for me. I spent two summers with my family there a few years ago. The mountains, streams, waterfalls, everything just forces me to slow down and contemplate who I am, where I am, where I’m going. Whenever I go there I get in touch with very deep parts of myself and this trip was no different. I took the gang to Sunflower Health Foods and we stocked up on lots of good organic stuff. We got great footage of us girls “making a big stink”, checking out all the essential oils. I got some patchouli, my favorite. Then we went across the road for a crusty, beautiful, delicious, fresh baked multi- grain bread from Bread Alone (yes, the bread there is kosher!). We had a tailgate picnic and I gave everyone their own individual thermos of Moroccan Lentil Soup and Atara served up her macrobiotic brown rice salad. We topped it all off with these amazing organic dark chocolate bars that the girls and I kept passing around and around till they were totally gone. I took everyone to Legends, my most favorite store. You can’t miss it. It’s the one at the end of town with the tie dyed everything out front. I got two great shirts, a bracelet, some incense, postcards, two cds, and a poster from the big event at Yasger's Farm that I’m planning to hang up for Purim. Yes, it’s going to be a Woodstock Revival, unless I’m struck by something even more exciting as a party theme. They wouldn’t let us film in the store so Tsvika disappeared during the shopping and snagged all the bags of organic air popped popcorn they had back at the health food store. There’s a Chabad house on Tinker Street, but we couldn’t find the big menorah that we assumed would be out front. From the town of Woodstock we took the most beautiful road through Bearsville, past the reservoir, to Lake Hill and got out at the house we stayed in three years ago. It’s a restored farmhouse on thirty-three acres of preserved forest. I celebrated my fortieth birthday there over two days with my closest girlfriends. I’ll never forget those great times. Tsvika filmed us trespassing all over the property and then we drove on to Emerson Place, to check out the world’s largest kaleidoscope. It’s amazing! They built it into a silo and you lie on the floor and watch this gorgeous light show of the history of America. It was closed and I was sad that the gang didn’t get a chance to see it. We’re planning to go back another time to check it out and to drive up the mountain to Tannersville and Katterskill Falls. It always stinks to come back to urban reality after a day in the country and I drove Ella back into the city, in the snow, very late that night. So I had deep country and deep city all in one day. Oriel turned four on Yud Tes Kislev and we celebrated with lots of sushi and an Acme cake. I LOVE Acme cake! Chocolate with chocolate frosting. I had two pieces. Naughty me! Everyone gave Oriel a beautiful brocha while we ate our cake and then he took his birthday balloon with him into the bath and into his bed. I met with Elka on Thursday to continue working on my book. After three hours we had an outline for the entire piece, an introduction, thirteen chapters and an epilogue. It’s amazing. I really need to sit and write it now. Thirteen chapters! Awesome. Thirteen is the Hebrew gematria of Ahava – love. And mine is truly a story of love, learning to receive G-d’s greatest gift. It takes a lot of discipline for me to sit down and write, but once I start I know I’ll just keep going. It’s an amazing story and it’ll be good for me to go back and revisit the roads I’ve traveled. Time of My Life looks like it’s taken as a book title, so I’m trying to think of something else. I Googled The Joy of Cancer on a lark and found this guy in India who wrote a book about his adventure with stage 4 lung cancer. It’s amazing how our stories are parallel. I guess that for those of us who choose to fight the war the turns are all the same. Go deep inside, find all the broken places, go to work repairing the damages, get positive, fight like heck to live every moment, let go of everything toxic, do what you love, sing your song. Hashem really knows what He’s doing. The one’s who need it get the chance. I couldn’t find out if the author is still alive, but he did go into remission, cancer free, before a second bout. That was in 2002. I had a phenomenal session with Dr. Gatto on Thursday and we did a lot of work on some deep and destructive feelings that I’ve carried from childhood into my adult life. It’s so healing to get to the core issues and make peace with the inner enemy. I left there feeling more armed to take on some very big challenges in front of me. Batsheva just came in for a carrot and some chocolate chips. First snow man of the season. I’ll call them all in for Shabbos baths in a little bit. But right now it’s cozy and quiet in here and the cooking is all done. Shabbos is coming the kids are happy and I am grateful for all the beautiful gifts in my life. Blessings to everyone for a love and light filled Shabbos and Chanukah! Classic Caesar Salad (Adapted from The Joy of Cooking by Irma S. Rombauer and Marion Rombauer Becker) Serves 4, but I make large quantities. It disappears fast! If you want a little high drama at your table (as I often do), bring all the ingredients to the table in individual glass bowls and whisk them together in a big bowl one by one, tossing together with the lettuce and croutons at the end. For even more drama, learn how to crack the egg a la Audrey Hepburn and the great chefs and serve the salad French style with one hand and two serving spoons. I dare you to wear white gloves! 1 large head romaine lettuce, torn into bite size pieces 1-2 cups croutons Combine in a glass jar (then toss with the lettuce and croutons): 1 clove garlic, peeled and sliced ½ cup very good olive oil (I always buy extra virgin, first cold pressed) 1 ½ tsp salt ¼ tsp dry mustard Generous grating of black pepper 5 fillets of anchovy, chopped fine A few drops Worcestershire sauce 3 Tbsp red wine vinegar 1 egg (optional – and only if serving right away) Juice of 1 lemon 2-3 Tbsp Parmesan cheese (optional) Moroccan Lentil soup (adapted from allrecipes.com) 6 servings 2 onions, chopped 2 cloves garlic, minced 1 tsp grated fresh ginger 6 cups water 1 cup red lentils 1 (15 oz) can chick peas, drained 1 (19 oz) can cannelloni beans, drained 1 (14.5 oz) can diced tomatoes ½ cup diced carrots ½ cup chopped celery 1 tsp garam masala 1 ½ tsp ground cardamom ½ tsp ground cayenne ½ tsp ground cumin 2 tbsp salt or to taste 1 tbsp olive oil ½ bunch kale or collards or other green torn into bite size pieces (optional) 1. In large pot sauté the onions, garlic and ginger in olive oil for 5 minutes. 2. Add the water, lentils, chick peas, cannelloni beans, diced tomatoes, carrots, celery, spices. Bring to a boil for a few minutes then simmer for 1 to 1 ½ hours or longer, until the lentils are soft. 3. Puree half the soup in a food processor or blender (I use a stick blender right in the pot). Return the pureed soup to the pot. If using greens, add them to the soup and cook until bright green or to desired doneness. |
| Friday, December 12, 2008 |
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Hello Everyone! First off, thank you so much for the delicious meals, the yummy zucchini cake, the inspiring cards and the delectable challah. You’re all awesome!!! What a great week. Lots of new adventures. We had beautiful Shabbos meals with the Ansbachers and the Goldhars, and after Shabbos I played Scrabble with Akiva. I can’t believe he beat me 296 to 244. Unbelievable and pretty humbling. After the kids were all in bed I had a great time schmoozing with Atara till well after midnight. I spent the afternoon shopping with Batsheva on Sunday - it’s amazing how different the kids are one on one. What a pleasure! This Sunday I’m taking Eliana out for the afternoon. Can’t wait! Monday’s chemo was a trip let me tell you. Five minutes into the first drug all of a sudden my chest was really hot and then my head felt like it was burning up. Lucy, the Experimental Therapy nurse, was there with me, ready for anything. I was sitting up in the bed acutely aware of this hot burning in the tips of my ears and I heard Yoni say something like “you’re all red” and I heard Lucy tell someone to call for Megan. And then I felt my chest getting tight and I stayed very very still because I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Then I heard Lucy say “Okay, Shari, find your higher powers and ask them to get you through this.” And I knew that if I stayed very still and just breathed through it I’d be okay. They gave me a megadose of Benadryl in my IV and after a few minutes I was feeling better. Wow! I have to tell you, it’s starting to get exciting not knowing what reactions I’ll have to all of these new drugs. Megan told me later that the reaction I had was rare, but they’ve seen it before, and my vital signs were totally normal and I was not in any real danger. But then Lucy started the IV again and after another forty-five minutes my chest started to hurt and it was getting bad fast. Lucy stopped the drug and I found out later she gave me a dose of morphine for the pain. Yoni told me the next day all about the rest of the chemo, which went on till about 5:30, and honestly I don’t remember more than about ten percent of it. Weird. Between the Benadryl and the morphine I pretty much lost consciousness. I do remember my brother coming and telling him about my new camera, but I definitely do not remember him taking my picture or me taking his. But the pics are there so it must have happened. And apparently Tzvi came to visit and I have absolutely no recollection. Sorry Tzvi! I know Ella was there too, but I think I blanked that out also till after the treatment. When all the drugs were done and my blood was taken and taken and taken again, I was feeling pretty wobbly. Every time I stood up I felt like I was going to fall down. But eventually I got it together and Yoni and Ella and I went out for dinner. After Yoni’s class the three of us went out to the Ohel. I figured it would be good to daven at the Rebbe’s kever and boost the good effects of the new drugs taking over my body. I davenened and cried my eyes out for everything. Just cried and cried all over the stone wall. I felt great on Tuesday and went into the city with Esther Rachel. We met Ella, Alisa and Tzvi at Saranne Rothberg’s Laughing Lunch. Remember Saranne? She’s incredible. She started Comedy Cures on her first day of chemo years and years ago. I laughed and laughed. Saranne sat and talked with me afterwards. She is a walking miracle. She talked with me about really wanting to live and being willing to walk over hot coals. I really want to live. And it may mean walking head on into my biggest fears, but I’m in for the ride. Whatever it takes, wherever it takes me. Then Ella came with me over to Sloan to have yet another batch of blood taken to test the toxicity levels of the drugs in my body. Megan caught up with me to give me a hug. We talked about the drug reactions and she said that she and Dr. Krug would put their heads together to figure out where to go from here. If they keep me on this cocktail then they would pre-medicate me pretty heavily before the next round. But they may decide to ditch these drugs altogether. Okay, just go with the flow and I’ll get to where I’m meant to go. Then Ella and I went out for a looooooong dinner together and talked and talked. You’d think they’d want us out of there after three and a half hours, but the waiter just brought us dessert on the house and we stayed some more. Riding the wave is a big test for me. I’ve been such a control freak my whole life. But I can’t do that anymore. Hashem is writing this story, and as much as I love to write, I could never write the beauty and humor that He writes. And who am I to think I could write it better than Him? So, I’m working on being with whatever arises, the good and the bad. But it’s all good, it’s all a gift, perfectly crafted just for me, to help me in my growth, to take me to wherever the end of this crazy journey will lead me. What a challenge. To let go of knowing any outcomes, to surrender. What a strange, unsettling and unfamiliar way to live. But when I take a breath and let go, then there is this joy that arises. It’s this exciting thrill of just being, receiving so many unexpected surprises that just show up. There is so much more available to experience, to enjoy, to appreciate, when I give up my agenda. And the hard stuff doesn’t seem so permanent. And in working towards my goals there is a flow, an ease, an acceptance. When everything goes smoothly it’s awesome, and when it doesn’t it’s an opportunity to reconsider my agenda, change my direction, let go, find the flow. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but being on the road is always exciting. I know I keep coming back to this, but I hope each time I revisit these issues it’s deeper, more lasting. This is a huge tikkun for me. I felt great on Wednesday and I met with Elka to work on my book. Talk about flow! In two hours I spit out the bones for an introduction and five whole chapters. Now I need to glue myself to a chair and write. Elka is a great cheerleader and I know she’ll make sure I get it done. I woke up tired and kind of woozy on Thursday and it was a challenge to just let myself stay in bed without feeling guilty. But I did it and I had a delicious day in my quiet house returning emails. So much love in those emails!!!! They just fill me up with healing energy. Thank you so so much for all the love. It feels so good to express so much love. Putting it out there presences it deeply. It has to be moving things around in the universe. I’m experiencing such deep connections. And we’re all coming to life. I really wanted to make Shabbos this week. Cooking is so cathartic for me, but I had to keep sitting down every few minutes to steady myself. I’m done now, and everything looks and smells great. Naama is coming. I love cooking for her. She loves my food. For dinner we’re having Caesar salad (the real thing – from The Joy of Cooking – sans the cheese), chicken soup with spelt knaidlach, roast chicken with rosemary, garlic and lemon, haricots verts, brown rice and barley pilaf and salt baked pears. For lunch I took a recipe for chicken stew and turned it into a cholent. It looks and smells great and I made Atara’s healthy banana chocolate chip cake (already had a piece – so yum!). I’m looking forward to another week riding the wave, facing my fears, receiving the gifts. That’s living. Every time I jump in, try things on, work it through and live through it I’m just filled with so much life. So I bless us all for a sweet Shabbos and a week of deep life, profound encounters with reality and love, love, love. Chicken Cholent Stew – Serves 10-12 2 organic chickens cut in pieces, skin removed 2 tsp sea salt 1 tsp pepper 2 tsp paprika 2 onions cut in half and thinly sliced 6 carrots, peeled and cut in bite size pieces ½ tsp sage ½ tsp thyme ½ tsp paprika 2 tablespoon minced garlic cloves 8-10 cups chicken or vegetable stock 4 Yukon Gold potatoes cut in small cubes 1 cup pearl barley Tie the chicken in a length of cheesecloth and place in the bottom of a large stock pot. Add the other ingredients and bring to a boil. Simmer over medium low heat for 1 hour. Remove the cheesecloth with the chicken to a platter to cool. When the chicken is cool enough to handle, remove the chicken from the bones and shred or cut into bite size pieces. Return the chicken to the pot and keep warm until ready to eat. Atara’s Healthy Banana Chocolate Chip Cake 1/2 c. Earth Balance or oil 1/2 c. Maple Syrup or pure honey 2 eggs 1 t. vanilla 1 t. baking soda 1/4 tsp sea salt 2 1/2 c. whole wheat pastry flour 3-4 very ripe bananas 1/2 c. chopped nuts (optional) 1 c. Sunspire grain sweetened chocolate chips Preheat oven to 350. Lightly grease a 9” square baking pan or muffin tins. Mix dry ingredients together and set aside. Cream Earth Balance and add syrup, eggs, mashed banana, vanilla. Combine dry ingredients with the wet and mix until smooth. Add nuts and/or chocolate chips if desired. Put batter in muffin tins or in 9” square pan. Bake until done in the middle, about 30-35 minutes for a square cake. |
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