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| Friday, February 6, 2009 |
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Hey All, Life’s hard these days. Deep and difficult. Is this winter ever going to end? I need something to lift my spirits, anything. I made a great playlist of food tunes for my cooking jags, all jazz and blues, but as good as the music is, and it’s REALLY good, I’m still in a pit. I have to keep reminding myself of the wise words of Shlomo HaMelech, “This Too Shall Pass”. Yes, this will pass. But every day is so precious to me now that any day stuck in a pit is a wasted day. And then I get stuck deeper. Oy. After a week and a half in the hospital, Mom was finally transferred from Hackensack to a rehab in Teaneck where she can continue to receive IV antibiotics and get help with her still infected arm. It looks like a nice place and she’s happy to be in a fully kosher facility. Don’t know how long she’ll be there. Hopefully she’ll be home in a week’s time. I painted a ceiling tile to bring to the Radiation Oncology Department at Hackensack Hospital. I think I mentioned much earlier in my blog about the ceiling tiles painted by patients. I was fascinated by those awesome testimonies to life staring down at me while I received my treatments. Mine came out pretty cool, and not so far off from the picture I had in my mind. It’s me standing on the top of the Earth, in space, with my arms open wide receiving all this beautiful yellow, golden, purple light showering down on me. I used lots of glitter for the Heavenly light. It felt really good to paint. Losing myself in a creative process seems to transport me emotionally. I need more of those sensorial experiences to help me through this dark period. Painting, collage, cooking, writing, they all help me get grounded in my essential self. I remember who I am when I put myself into something concrete. Chemo on Wednesday went well, despite my up and down mood. Yoni had to stay home with Batsheva and Eliana (on top of everything else the kids have winter break, not all at once, all staggered, so it ends up being two weeks by the time it’s all done). Ruchama came along to take notes for an article she’s writing about my experience. She had a real hoot with Team Chemo, why not? We’re all a bunch of wackos. In the car going into the city she asked me if anyone on Team Chemo is allowed to get moody. You know, we’ve all had our moments. That’s life, right? But we’ve been there for each other and they’ve always been there for me. I feel really loved and supported by all of them. Dr. Krug was working at the hospital so I saw his colleague Dr. Pietanza and I took the opportunity to ask her a few questions that I’d been saving up. Turns out my hair should all fall out. How fun is that when you’re down in the dumps to begin with? Can’t wait. But then I wanted to ask her the biggie and I turned to Ella for moral support. And Ella said “Just go for it”. So I blurted out something about, “did she believe that there was any possibility that I could get through this, did she believe that a miracle could happen.” You see, having a doctor tell me that there’s no hope for that left a big dent in my psyche many many months ago and when I met Dr. P. I though maybe that I could fix that dent. Well, Tsvika had the camera rolling and it was pretty intense, but even so, she said that yes, she believed in miracles. She said that she tells her patients to plan for the worst but hope for the best. Then she said that it’s really rare and I came back with “well, I’m rare”, and we all had a good laugh. The gang all thought that if she hadn’t been on camera, she’d have been more forthcoming with her positivity. Well, a rare miracle is better than no hope at all. We all placed bets on my hemoglobin levels. Dr. P’s assistant examined me and said 9, Ella said 9.3, Tsvika said 9.2 and Ruchama said 9.1. Colleen cast her vote later at 8.9. I said 9.5 and I won the washer and dryer behind curtain number 1, ‘cause it was 10.5 and the price is right! But, my white count went down. So I really have to be extra extra careful not to get sick. Meanwhile, the pain in my ribs and in my back and hips keeps coming and going and driving me crazy. I have to wait 4 more weeks for the next CT scan. It’s hard to wait to find out if this drug is working. While they mixed my cocktail, Team Chemo headed down to Dave and Busters for half-price Wednesday. We had a great time with the basketballs and the ski ball and Tsvika beat me too many times at Nascar, but I came back in the end and beat him fair and square on the motorcycles. He must have been practicing on his time off. Not fair!!! We headed back to Sloan and stopped at Olympic Pita to pick up lunch just as they called for me to come back for my drug. Perfect timing. We settled into our favorite back room and Colleen joined us. She got the IV in perfectly on her first shot. A good day. Then we settled in for a long slow drip. After chemo Tzvi joined us and we all headed to Brooklyn to check out this Pomegranate grocery store. It was beautiful, but really they didn’t have much more or different that our very own Kosher Konnection, which I have to say, is pretty well stocked with organic and other healthy options. But I did get some beautiful dried fruit for Tu B’Shvat and a jar of Turkish olives stuffed with lemon. And a Godiva chocolate bar filled with dark chocolate ganache. I was hungry and everything looked yummy. We were still fleishig from lunch and as soon as the clock struck six hours Team Chemo made a beeline for the cheese samples. There were toothpicks for the cheese cubes and there was a brief and serious conversation about double dipping. No double dipping allowed! But, turning the toothpick over and using the other side was allowed, so once the rules were established, we went at it. Then this guy came over and asked us what was good. We pointed to the chipotle cheddar. Tsvika said the guy double dipped so I told the guy that there’s no double dipping and the guy got all huffy and said he didn’t double dip, but as he walked away Tsvika said “He double dipped. I saw him double dip.” And that’s how it was. Then we went out hunting for a restaurant. We cruised Cony Island Avenue and I was quite taken with the Mexican place that had a big sombrero adorning the entryway, but they were closed. Then we drove down Kings Highway. Nothing interesting. Then Avenue J. Still nothing. Someone had a date so we had to hurry up and settle on a place. But when we got inside it was really depressing and after looking at the menu and spending more time in there it got more depressing. So, we fled as fast as we could and headed for Shnitzy’s and got these huge schnitzel sandwiches on the best French baguettes with gorgeous thin sliced fried potatoes. We picnicked in the car and I put on my food mix to the best song – “Let’s Eat”. Perfect! I was tired yesterday but managed to get to the hospital with Eliana to visit Mom for a few hours. Then I dragged myself to Montclair with both girls to meet Chava and her daughters at the bead store. I just wanted a nap so badly. Batsheva and Eliana made stunning necklaces, and a bracelet for Bubba, and it was a really nice outing in the end. When I got home I climbed under my electric blanket and had that nap. When I woke up an hour later the kids came and snuggled with me and I had dinner in bed. Thank you Atara for the yummy broccoli and brown rice! So, here I am listening to this great Dylan tune, “One More Cup of Coffee” and writing to you and I’m feeling good. I finished my Shabbos cooking. Nothing fancy this week. I made a different tagine with prunes, and that good ole chicken stew. I’ll serve them up with a bunch of fresh salads and Akiva made a coconut cake that looked really good till I totally burned his beautiful brown sugar topping. I scraped off all the burned parts and the kids and I are snarfing up huge chunks of cake. I’ll have to figure out a different desert for our guests. I’m so glad that Sarah is coming to stay for Shabbos and Chaya and Dovid are coming for lunch. Have a beautiful Shabbos and enjoy the little bit of sunshine that’s coming our way. With much much love, Simcha Esther PS Shany Gejerman’s Shabbos shiur will start at 3:30pm. Don’t miss it! PPS Please write to me. It makes a huge difference for me. |
| Tuesday, February 3, 2009 |
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Hello, hello! Whoa! What a challenging week. Last Sunday Mom woke up with a terrible pain in her hand and she felt really sick. By 4pm she was in the emergency room at Hackensack Hospital – where she stayed for almost 3 full days with what we believe is a staph infection. She was finally transferred to a room on Tuesday night, where she’s been ever since, and probably will be for a while longer. Then she’ll go to a rehab where they can take care of the wound and continue IV antibiotics. What a scare! This was a serious emergency. My brothers both came in on Sunday to be with her. Michael arrived at 3am from Maryland. Dr. Krug said I couldn’t go as long as she was in the ER. My blood counts were too low, but I did what I could from home. Which was a lot, since I wasn’t too impressed with the doctor in charge and I was thinking that maybe we should move Mom to another hospital. After a few conversations with Rosy Josephs and Chaya Sara Mendlowitz, we finally determined that it was not a good idea to move her. A hand surgeon was brought in that night to look at Mom’s hand. Over the phone he was sure he knew what it was and said he’d have to do emergency surgery that night. I said some Tehillim and when I got the next report the surgeon had determined that it wasn’t the horrible flesh eating bacteria that he feared it was. There you go. The power of prayer. It was just amazing being with my brothers for the week, even though cooking for them was a big challenge. One brother is vegan, the other doesn’t eat beans or beef. On top of that I was trying to cook for Mom, who had very little appetite, and she was on a low salt diet. Michael stayed until Thursday and we had some great opportunities to really talk. And to laugh. We can really laugh together. We used to be so close and we grew apart over the last bunch of years. But by the time he left we were back to our old really special brother sis relationship. We were all very moved when we stopped to see the good in the situation. And Mom was really happy to see her three kids together, really close and fixing things between us. It was good to manage my household for the week. Mom does so much to help me and it felt good to take care of myself and my responsibilities. Luckily I wasn’t so busy this week and I had the time to do everything I needed to do. And super lucky for me, Yoni was available to join me for the grocery shopping. I had been REALLY depressed for about a week before all the fun started with Mom. I felt so hopeless I couldn’t even get out of bed on Shabbos. I felt like I was drowning in this thick heavy fog of despair and it was pulling me down. I couldn’t move. I think it was triggered by a drug that I was taking but even when I went off it there was some lingering melancholy. Once the depression hit and I started to look for potential causes, I sort of went to town in my head. There’s certainly no lack of what to be depressed about in my circumstances. Dr. Gatto certainly had his work cut out for him when I finally dragged myself to his office. And I was cold. All the time. I sent Yoni to Target on an emergency run to pick up an electric blanket. It was the only thing that I knew would warm me up. My red blood cell counts were really low (and whites, but there was nothing I could do about those). Dr. Krug wanted me to have that transfusion after all, so Team Chemo gathered on Thursday at Sloan at 1:30 for the first blood draw. They needed to screen my blood again for antibodies and viruses, to make sure that what they gave me was a perfect match. Then they said we should go away for two to three hours while they did the screening. So we went to Olympic Pita on 38th Street and gorged on laffa and humus and lamb kebabs and mashed potatoes and salads and who knows what. We got back to the hospital at about 4:30 and sat around for another hour and a half. When they finally took me to start the IV I asked what my hemoglobin count was and the nurse said 8.3, so I said, “Well then, I’m outta here”. They only push for transfusions if the count is under 8 and there’s a chemo treatment pending. Well, I had another week for my counts to come up even more and so my doc said go home. So, whew, it was all for nothing. But Naama’s blood was a perfect match and they put her high octane stuff back in the fridge should I need it another time within 28 days. I think it was all Yad Hashem. If I hadn’t waited for Naama’s blood I’d have gone in Tuesday or Wednesday and my counts would have been much lower. But Hashem fixed it so I’d be there on that particular day, when my counts were just high enough to nix the transfusion. Looking forward to continuing to surprise my docs with unexpected turnarounds. Meanwhile, turns out, I escaped the strange vampire meal, but Mom needed a transfusion herself, 2 units of blood. I started back on my healthy eating plan on Sunday, Feb 1. I’m taking it on for 30 days. Much easier than forever. I need to lose 10 pounds. Really! And it makes me feel good to feel like I’m in control of my eating. I hope it will help me lick the depression. I think it’s already made a difference. But then there’s my hair, which is so thin that I finally had to cut off my ponytail, which is really just a step away from buzzing it all off. Not yet though. And my back and my ribs hurt all week, which definitely did not help matters at all. The love circle has been really great. My friends have been staying close to me throughout this low. They call me every day to see how I’m doing. They are amazing. I’m just now starting to feel myself again, ready for action and new directions. I feel like good changes are on the horizon, new energy is about to flow in. I need that. Cooking grounds me. I know myself when I’m cooking. Lately I’ve been feeling really disoriented. It happens to me on occasion, but this time it was constant. Usually I could just read a copy of Martha Stewart, or Bon Appetit, and I feel all better. This time it wasn’t so easy, but cooking helped a lot. And the Mexican Shabbos was awesome, as was this past week’s Chicken Tiikka and Yaffa’s Lamb and chicken cholent./stew. Thank you to everyone who offered to donate blood. So many people responded that they could do it. Wow! I’m filled with gratitude again, and connection. Big thanks to Racquel Houpt for jumping in at a moment’s notice to help our family when Mom was stuck in the hospital. Thank you Aliza for the delicious lasagna. And thank you so much to Raizy, Malka and Basya, who covered for my kids when I was in the city for the untransfusion. Thank you so much to Chaya and Chaya Ita for spending Shabbos in the hospital with Mom, and to Clare for visiting her also, A huge thank you goes to Dr. Josephs and to Chaya Sara Mendlowitz for going way above any expectations to help Mom and to assist the family in making some critical decisions on her behalf. You’re all awesome! Love you all! Simcha Esther PS I’m definitely on the upswing, back in action, and feeling good. The pain is even almost gone all over my body! Yaffa’s Lamb and Chicken Cholent (adapted from a recipe by Rochel Leah Foster) 3-4 pieces of dark meat chicken on the bone – (I cook the chicken in the stew, wrapped in cheesecloth, and remove it when it’s done to shred the chicken and discard the bones) 1-2 lbs of lamb stew meat or lamb shanks, on the bones 1 to 1.5 cups brown rice 1 can chick peas approx. 1/2 bag of frozen spinach 4 cups approx of chicken or veg broth juice from 1 lemon (fresh or bottled fine) spices to taste:cumin, curry powder, paprika, salt Spray the bottom of a crock pot or heavy casserole with oil spray. Layer the rice, the meat & spices, chick peas, spinach, lemon juise, broth and water as needed to cover the ingredients. Cook on low. Cook on low for hours and hours, that's it! Grilled Chicken Tikka – Marinating time 2 hours or longer – serves 4 4 chicken legs (thighs and drumsticks) 2 tbsp lemon juice 1 cup plain yogurt or coconut milk 4 cloves garlic, minced 2 tsp fresh ginger root, peeled and minced ¼ cup fresh coriander (cilantro) minced 2 tsp ground cumin 1 tsp ground coriander Pinch ground cloves ½ tsp cayenne pepper ½ tsp ground turmeric 1 tsp salt 1 lime Grape tomatoes 1. Place chicken in a large bowl or plastic bag. 2. In a small bowl, mix together lemon juice, plain yogurt (or coconut milk), garlic, ginger, ½ of the coriander (cilantro), ½ teaspoon of salt and other spices. Reserve ¼ cup of marinade for basting. Pour remaining marinade over chicken pieces and toss to coat well. Marinate for at least 2 hours in the refrigerator (preferably overnight). 3. Preheat barbecue grill to medium heat. Grill the chicken 15-20 minutes until thoroughly cooked. Baste with extra marinade while on the grill. Alternatively, the chicken can be cooked in the oven at 400°F(204°C). The chicken is cooked when the internal temperature reaches 165°F (74°C). 4. Place grilled chicken on a platter of salad greens and decorate with cilantro, lime and grape tomatoes. |
| Friday, January 23, 2009 |
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Hello! What in the world was I thinking? I just finished making the most outrageous, authentic Mexican meal for Shabbos. Six hours straight to make dinner for 10. Four won’t even eat the stuff. Way too spicy. But make it I did and it looks and tastes incredible. We’re having Chicken and Corn Soup in Ancho Chili Broth, Chicken Mole, Black Beans and Brown Rice, Roasted Asparagus, and Chocolate Banana Cake for dessert. I think I used about 10 different kinds of chili peppers to make this one meal! Chaya and Dovid are coming, and Malka, whom we haven’t seen in months it seems. I had a pretty packed week. No surprise, right? Last Shabbos I never got out of my jammies. I was exhausted and my bones hurt. Yoni took the girls to the Goldhars for lunch and the boys stayed with me. It was really nice having a quiet meal. Akiva set the table, raided the fridge, put out a meal and even cleaned everything up. Oriel was a monkey and climbed all over the table for most of the meal. But he’s soooooo cute! He gets away with a lot. Ruchama visited in the AM and it was great. We generated a lot of good ideas. Projects for the future. Gotta pack that future! Motzei Shabbos we schmoozed by the fire with Chaya and Dovid and Atara. Nice way to start the week. I started this new thing. Kid of the Day. So far Batsheva won twice, Eliana once and Akiva once, and I’ve had my house cleaned up, perfectly, kids dressed, homework done and so much more, all with lots of smiles. Good deal. On Sunday evening the kids piled into my bed and we all watched a very sweet movie – Akeelah and the Bee. Everyone was mesmerized and they were REALLY motivated to practice their spelling words this week. Eliana got 100% on her spelling test. I think they’re all having fantasies of the Scripps National Spelling Bee. They can’t stop spelling words! Akiva and I had a great idea for a new business venture. I won’t give away the details, but we tasted some of the products and yum yum yum! The Aztec Cocoa and spicy chocolate bar were beyond beyond. Eric Posnack came over to help us get started. Looks like fun! Wish us luck. Hope we have the tenacity to make it happen. Looks promising. I’ll keep you posted. Rebbetzin Pavlov came for a visit on Tuesday. Thank you for giving us the interview!!! I haven’t seen the Rebbetzin since I was in the hospital. It was really good to connect and get into the deeper issues of life. Lots of food for thought. I’m still digesting the conversation. Wednesday was chemo day. I almost didn’t have. My red blood cell count is really low. I convinced Dr. Krug to let me have the treatment and to put off a transfusion till next week. I’ll have my blood checked again on Monday. If counts aren’t up I’ll have that transfusion. Before chemo, Ella and I started my five year plan. Tsvika was filming and when Security came and kicked us out we went into the coffee bar/café/restaurant next door. Great job! What a nice, big, empty place! We can always go there while we’re waiting for them to mix my drugs. And the coffee was great! Cappuchemo, chemocino? Team Chemo had a good time coming up with new concoctions. My chemo nurse, Colleen, was terrific. She even gave us an interview and reenacted some good stuff for the film. Maybe we’ll make her an honorary team member. She thought Team Chemo was the best! After chemo we went up to Fairway at 125th? street and I found everything I needed for my Mexican Fiesta and then some. I love it there. Everyone on the team took a wagon and we split up for forty-five minutes. Everyone got such interesting stuff! Can’t wait to go back. Whenever I go to Fairway I want to have a fancy party. Yum!!! We finished the day at Deli Kasbah and split a messo’ribs and bucketo’wings, fries, cigars (the Moroccan kind, the ones you eat), a coupla burgers and who knows what else. We sang, we laughed, we had a grand old time. Raphael, our delightful waiter, laughed a lot at the jalapenos. There were a lot of jalapenos that night. No chemo now for two weeks. I’m feeling kind of scared though. Rib really hurts and I’m having a hard time giving it a positive spin. But spin it I will. It seems a little better today. I went back into the city with Naama on Thursday so she could donate blood for me. Anyone else out there type B pos/neg or O pos/neg? I want to have a couple of units of blood in storage at all times in case I ever need. Big thanks go to Naama for her beautiful blood, and to our homework helpers and amazing babysitter. Thank you Eric for your business expertise and thanks to Chaya Ita for pitching in twice in an emergency this week. We miss you! Will post recipes after Shabbos. Must get a good taste of the stuff first. Blessings for a hot and spicy Shabbos! Ole! Love, Simcha Esther |
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