It’s been a pretty up week, except for one terrible afternoon. But I had a really good cry, talked with Yoni and then with Mom, got into action, and felt much much better. I hope that the next time I hit a low I’ll be able to remember the words of Shlomo HaMelech – “this too shall pass”. It always does. Doing something helps. Cooking usually helps a lot, and it’s practical. So, when I started to get down the other day, I made dinner. Buckwheat udon noodles with broccoli, cauliflower, shitake mushrooms and snap peas in vegetable broth with tofu. I also made baked ziti (whole wheat) for the kids. I ate a handful of grapes in the afternoon and I had no appetite for dinner. That’s how it is these days.

It got really bad later that night and I let it all out with Mom. There were a number of issues tormenting me. I was totally frustrated with the kids, to the point where I didn’t want to be with them, at all. Also, I was sure I’d have some kind of breakdown if there were any decline in my health. And I felt like I had nothing to live for. I’m sure there was more. Pretty serious stuff standing where I am. I’ve been coughing a lot for the last two weeks and it’s been making me crazy. Also having lots of aches and pains. This is how it is. Every little pain becomes another tumor in my imagination. I’m hyper-vigilant about every symptom. What started me off this time? I looked again at the report from the last CT scan and saw some notes that there is increased fluid in the lining of one lung, and fluid in the other lung where there wasn’t any before. So, I looked it up online, and, well, you know how dumb that is. Well, I still don’t know what the implications of this fluid are, but it didn’t sound so good to me.

Anyway, by the end of the conversation, Mom had called a woman from Bernie Siegel’s organization – Exceptional Cancer Patients – and she gave us two leads for therapists in the area that incorporate Dr. Siegel’s work. I called both and left messages. I also called a friend and started to talk about her coming to help with the kids two days a week. She’s amazing with my kids, and when I’m with her I’m a much better mom. G-d willing it will work out. I also got Mom’s brocha to go and do whatever I have to do to fight this. Even if it means traveling away from home. It was a huge comfort to know that I can do that without worrying about the rest of the family.

I walked a lot this week, especially when I felt really low. It helped so much! When I walk I feel vital and alive. I can feel my body healing. It’s incredibly empowering. I’ve been craving walking. That’s something new! I also talk to Hashem when I walk. Sometimes the kids come along. That’s fun too - when they’re not totally frustrating me.

I’ve been using everything I’ve got to try to stay positive. When I’m really a mess, remembering that Hashem is in charge, and it’s all for my good, is the greatest challenge. A friend sent me a copy of “The Wings of the Sun”, a Jewish guide to healing, based on Rebbe Nachman. It’s amazing. I love it. It’s all in there and when I read it I remember that it’s all G-d, that all of our illnesses and all of our enemies are just opportunities for our complete rafua, complete healing of the body and also the soul. Our sages say that Moshiach will come when we realize that redemption can only come from Hashem, when we let go of our fantasies that the government will save us, or medicine will save us, or money will save us. It’s not about the doctors, rabbis, healers, medicines, food, herbs, exercises – they are all vessels of Hashem, and we need to utilize those vessels, but He’s the healer and He puts His healing energy into the vessels according to His will. And I do believe that He brings the rafua before the makah, the healing before the illness, because He believes in us, in our will and in our ability to change and do teshuva, to fix ourselves. I want to fix myself so badly. I got that I’m the common denominator in all the difficult areas of my life. I think I can let go of fixing everything and everyone else. It’ll take everything just to fix myself.

I’m literally reading about twenty different books right now. When I need a boost I can always find something to inspire me. Baruch Hashem. Thank you all for the great books, tapes, CDs, etc. It’s great to let go of the guilt of not finishing a book. They’re serving me very well in bits and pieces. There are always answers to every aspect of the struggle somewhere in the pile.

The other day I was saying a brocha, a blessing over some food, and I closed my eyes and meditated on the vastness of Hashem. I’ve never really done that before and it was an awesome experience, scary and hard to be with, but thrilling too. I understood later that for me it’s easier to be with an anthropomorphized image of G-d. It’s smaller, safer, familiar. But it’s also limiting. It’s so hard to stand in the awesome power of the Great Director. But, small G-d, small relationship. Infinite G-d, limitless relationship. And the most awesome part to realize is that He cares about me, about every detail of my existence. I’m just a puny speck in the universe, but, at the same time, I’m an integral part of the story, and in that awareness the story of my life becomes vitally important. Everything has unfathomable significance. If I could view everyone and all the details of the physical world as integrally important elements of Creation, then I’d take nothing for granted. And my every action would have significant import. Every choice affects the whole universe. In that light every mitzvah becomes urgent. And the more I can expand my mind to understand Hashem’s infinite awesomeness, the more I want to do each and every mitzvah, every commandment in the Torah, perfectly. But it seems impossible to stand there for any length of time. Maybe it’s like a muscle that can be developed eventually. What a gift to be able to stand before the King of the universe! For the first time in my life, I think I’m experiencing something close to yirah.

Thank you so much to all of you who sent me stories of lung cancer survivors. I really needed that! The psychological/spiritual battle rages on, but belief in recovery is germinating. I am fighting very hard to help that belief grow and take over.

I also wish to say a very big thank you to my dear friend Talya, who coordinated our family’s meals for well over two months. And it wasn’t easy – my kids are very picky eaters!!!! Thank you again to all the wonderful women who prepared those wonderful meals.

I have new CT scans coming up next week – but PLEASE try not to ask me about the results. I’ll let everyone know in my journal right away. These tests, and receiving the results, are very unnerving. I noticed last time that it increased my anxiety whenever someone asked me about the results before I’d spoken with Dr. Krug. Thank you for understanding! But PLEASE do keep davening and doing mitzvos in my zechus. I know it’s making a huge difference and I’m so so grateful. Knowing that you’re out there, in action with me, reminds me that I am never alone. And that knowledge has gotten me through some of the darkest moments.

Well, the roller coaster ride continues. My blood results from last week showed possible liver trouble from the XL and elevated bilirubin. Dr. Krug moved my appointment from Wednesday to Monday in case things were getting worse. I was afraid they’d have to take me off the drug for a few weeks and lower the dose. First signs of possible serious side effects. I also had a urinary tract infection. Not surprising after the emotional stress of the previous weeks.

My friend Sarah came to my house from Crown Heights at 6:15 on Monday morning to accompany me to MSK. They drew their five tubes of blood and took an EKG. I’m getting needle phobic. Too many needles.

I told Megan and Dr. Krug that I was done with macrobiotics and that my appetite was gone. They agreed that I should wait a week, that possibly the “rocks and sticks” diet had affected my appetite. Dr. Krug was happy to let me know that my liver was on the mend and the bilirubin was down. It was encouraging that my body was able to experience healing despite the negative frame of mind I’d been walking around in. I felt encouraged that with a positive outlook a lot of healing could really take place.

I told Dr. Krug that I’d made the mistake of doing some independent research. Megan said “on the internet?” I nodded. Dr. Krug settled across from me, ready for a long conversation. He must have known I was a mess from what I’d seen and I appreciated his attentive and compassionate listening. He asked me what I read. I told them that I researched the EGFR mutation and the XL647. He asked me what I saw. I told him that I saw the abstracts from the phase 1 study, and part of the phase 2 study. I told him that I saw that participants with the EGFR mutation showed a 30 month survivability rate, as opposed to 3 months for those without the mutation on the same drug. I asked him if survivability rate meant mortality and he said yes. Then he added that 30 months is an average. I asked him what would happen once the XL stops working for me and he said he’d most likely put me on Tarceva, the predecessor to XL647, with more side effects. He said that Tarceva doesn’t shrink tumors, it just stabilizes them for a while. I didn’t like these answers and I told him so. I told him that I need him to share the belief that I could get rid of the cancer. I told him that I’m going to do everything I can to get rid of it and that one day I’d be his favorite patient. He said, “who’s to say that you’re not already my favorite patient?” I asked him if he knew of anyone that beat lung cancer. He said he didn’t know of anyone. Then he quietly added that even if I got rid of it, the cancer would eventually grow back. So I asked him if there are drugs in the works that pick up where the XL leaves off. He said yes, a few things are in the works. I asked him how he knew and he said that Sloan Kettering is the hotbed for all the research. That was a comfort. At least it felt good to express myself. I didn’t leave anything unsaid.

Sarah and I decided to go shopping after the consultation. We had four hours to burn until the follow up EKG and blood work. She was encouraging about my meeting with Dr. Krug and she helped me work on putting it all into the greater context. I was starting to see that I could really stand again in that place of faith, that doctors only know what they know, and that there is so much more to reality than oncologists and chemotherapy drugs. There must be at least one person in the world that had a spontaneous remission from lung cancer. I’ll bet there’s lots!

Out on Lexington Avenue we saw a pretty young woman on the sidewalk smoking. I told Sarah that every time I saw that I wanted to go right up to these women and tell them my situation. I really felt like if they heard it they’d quit. Well, after a brief back and forth psych up, we approached the girl. Sarah said “my friend has something to tell you”, and she elbowed me in the ribs. Nice intro, right? So, I said, “I have advanced lung cancer and I’ve never smoked a cigarette.” The woman was aghast and said how sorry she was for me. I said, “Thank you, but I told you because you’re young and beautiful and I just wanted you to know that cancer is real. It happens all the time and sometimes we think it can’t happen to us, but it does.” And she just looked at me and then she said, “I’m going to quit as soon as I get home.” And her friend came out of the building where we were standing. Then Sarah and I thanked her and continued up Lexington, but Sarah turned around and told me that the two women were talking about it. Maybe we saved someone’s life. Maybe two! It felt good. Sarah and I were kind of high from it and I joked that we should just spend the four hours walking around the city talking to people about smoking and cancer. What a zechus that would be! Imagine how many lives we could save!

But then we got to a great store and we had to go in. I got a great Indian silk wrap skirt for sixteen dollars. Good job! I was starving. It felt so good to be starving! We asked a man in a kippah if he knew of any good, healthy, kosher places for lunch. He recommended Café K and he told us to go to 48th and Madison. It was a good walk. On 48th street we saw another young girl smoking a cigarette and we stopped. I told Sarah I didn’t want to be intrusive, but in the end we decided it didn’t matter. We had to do it. But the girl had finished and was walking ahead of us. She was wearing an apron around her waist and sneakers. I knew she was a waitress. We wondered if she was going to our place. Well, of course she was! I told Sarah that if she was our waitress, then it was a sign. Well, a nice guy came to take our order. What a disappointment. I ordered a Greek salad. I hadn’t had anything like it in months and I felt so free!

Halfway into our salads and carrot/beet/celery juice the girl came to our table to see how everything was. Sarah and I looked at each other and smiled. “Could we have a personal conversation?” I blurted out. I guess I need to work on my lines. The girl was Israeli and didn’t understand what I meant. Sarah explained and the girl looked nervous. I told her that we saw her on the sidewalk while we were walking over. Then she said, “I know what it’s about.” I asked her what she thought it was and she said, “it’s about the cigarettes.” She looked sad. I said yes, and then I told her my situation. She just stared at me with these big, brown, beautiful, sad eyes and I told her the same thing I’d said to the woman on Lexington. She was so young, and so beautiful. She nodded and said “I’m going to try to quit. Please come back in one week and you’ll see.” We told her we’d be back in two weeks and I gave her my phone number and the Caring Bridge web address. After that, every time she passed our table she smiled and said “thank you, I’m going to try. Come back, you’ll see.” And Sarah and I were so moved and inspired.

Yoni met me at Sloan Kettering at the end of my day there and he took me out for the afternoon and then dinner at Le Marais to celebrate our 12th wedding anniversary. We had a great time and when we got to dinner I told him all about my meeting with Dr. Krug and he reiterated that doctors are only one vessel and that there are SO many vessels in the world that could be the channel for a complete recovery. He told me he Googled “Simcha Esther” and three pages came up with Tehillim lists, challah lists, prayer lists. I got all teary and I got it a little deeper that doctors don’t know everything. I ate half of my steak and some green beans, a few bites of fingerling potato and I was stuffed. I didn’t even want a glass of wine and it was easy to decline dessert, but it was a pleasure to have the freedom to choose.

Our last day of school was Wednesday and it was bittersweet. My five year old completed her Montessori experience and will be joining her big sister at school in Monsey in September. She’s excited to go, but her five years in our programs have been so rich, so nurturing. It’s sad to let it go and watch her move on.

Our friend Tzvi invited Yoni and me to join him and some other friends on Wednesday night for an evening of standup comedy to benefit Comedy Cures, an organization started by Saranne Rothberg. I eagerly agreed. It was good to be downtown, close to where I used to live on West 12th Street. A lot of my friends were there and I told Tzvi that I needed to find someone who had survived stage 4 lung cancer. He said he’d get right on it. He introduced me to Saranne. She is a survivor of stage four breast cancer and she experienced spontaneous healing. She’s been completely cancer free for years. She was really happy to meet me and she was such an inspiration for me. At the end of the evening, my friend Esther Rachel drove me home and while we were en route Saranne called me on my cell phone. She told me her whole story and then she told me she’d be there for me every step of the way. She told me about Dr. Dhonden, the former doctor of the Dalai Lama. He was instrumental in Saranne’s healing journey. She said that dignitaries from all over the world line up to see him and that he happens to be in New York for the rest of the week. He only comes once a year. She said she’d get me an appointment if I wanted one. Well, how could I resist?

At 6:15am my phone rang. It was Saranne. They could squeeze me in today during their lunch break. If I didn’t take the appointment I’d have to wait another year. I agreed to go and had to catch my morning urine in a jar for Dr. Dhonden to analyze. It was going to be an adventure, but I was sad that I wouldn’t be able to go to the circus with my kids. It’s become an annual tradition to take the kids to The Big Apple Circus after school lets out. My mother and my friend Na’ama agreed to take them and Esther Rachel came to take me back into the city.

When we arrived at the apartment on 23rd street we were instructed to remove our shoes before entering. We were excited to meet the famous Tibetan doctor and to experience something new. There were huge crystals everywhere in the cramped living room. A rose quartz, about a foot around, with beautiful pale pink spikes, sat squarely on the floor in front of the fireplace. A cross section of an amethyst the size of a four year old stood tall beside it. The room was thick with a peaceful energy and the heavy odor of spent incense. Esther Rachel and I, in our funky tichles, seemed to fit right in. A volunteer asked me to fill out a questionnaire and I marveled at the mangled string fashioned from scotch tape that attached the pen to the clipboard. A dog barked and then a woman entered from the hall with three frisky dogs following at her feet. She introduced herself as Dr. Marsha Woolfe and I knew from Saranne that she was Dr. Dhonden’s representative in the US, and that we were in her apartment. When I told her my name she smiled broadly and told me that she’d been at Saranne’s show the night before and when Saranne spoke with her about me they both thought that the whole evening happened just for me. She told us about the dogs. They were specially trained to “give love”. They visit sick people who benefit from the special healing from being with the dogs. Dr. Woolfe demonstrated how it works and one of the dogs climbed into Esther Rachel’s lap and gave her some love.

When it was my turn we went downstairs to see the doctor. Dr. Dhonden sat serene in the saffron and maroon robes of a Tibetan monk. A woman sat beside him, the interpreter, and Dr. Woolfe sat across from her. I was told to sit in the empty chair, directly in front of Dr. Dhonden, practically knee to knee. He placed a big pillow over my knees and closed his eyes while he felt my pulses. I closed my eyes also, and when I did, I felt intense surges of energy around my hand and in my head. I wondered if I’d imagined it. Dr. Woolfe read what I’d written about my cancer, all of it’s locations, and the interpreter translated. Dr. Dhonden spoke to her and gestured many times at his head. The interpreter said that I was very lucky that the cancer had not spread to my brain. Dr. Dhonden said that it usually goes to the brain before it goes to the liver. He asked about the Western medine that I was taking and I told him about the XL. Then he took my urine into a little room off to the side. Esther Rachel told me later that she watched swirl it around and around. Then he came back and told the interpreter all the foods that I should avoid. It wasn’t so bad. It was a short list of things I already knew were dangerous for me, and most of which I’d cut out of my diet already. He said I should eat a lot of berries and green grapes. Then he prescribed Tibetan herbs, formulated just for me, which I would receive in about three or four weeks. I asked if he thought I could get rid of it. He said that it is up to me. If I follow the diet, the regimen of herbs and continue to take my medicine, then the cancer would stop growing and I would feel very good. He said I would need the herbs for a very long time.

On our way out of the city, Esther Rachel and I debriefed the whole experience for a long time and I got it again that Hashem can bring His rafua through so many channels. I don’t know why it’s so hard to get. The 2500 year old Tibetan healing tradition is a good complement to western medicine. While our doctors work to kill the cancer, eastern medicine works to boost the immune system. They can work very well together. East meets West I guess. I liked the idea of oneness, of completion, of complements.

Back at home I tried to listen to a guided imagery cd and promptly fell asleep. Every now and then I’d awaken to Bernie Siegel’s voice, and then I’d doze off again. After an hour I forced myself up and started making Shabbos. I’m so happy to be cooking for myself and my family again. I need that to feel like a well person. I feel like I’m moving up the mountain and so many wonderful experiences are in store for me. It’s all going to be good and I think it has the potential to be lots of fun.

I’m feeling very full with love. When I start to feel down it helps so much to remember how many people are out there for me. I can’t tell you how it is helping me through. Just to know that you’re out there. Thank you so much for all the emails and the posts on the Guestbook. I really really needed them. Thank you so very much to Sarah and Mushkie for spending a few days with us so Mom could take a break. It was so much fun! And thank you Sarah for our day in the city. Thank you to R. Baslaw’s class for the incredible project you made for me! It’s sitting in a special place in my living room and reminds me every day that you’re all pulling for me. Thank you to the NY gang for the fabulous night out, and thank you Saranne for taking me on as if I were a daughter. Thank you for all the inspiring books, cds and dvds and thank you for the tire! We seem to need a lot of tire work these days….. What’s that about??? Thank you so very much to everyone who shuttled my kids to and from Monsey for the last three months, and to everyone who made a meal for us and to all the girls who came to help with homework, bedtime and on Shabbos. Thank you everyone for believing in my complete healing, and for constantly reminding me of it when I don’t believe in it myself. And, as always, thank you so very very much for all of your prayers! Please keep them coming. So many fantastic things are unfolding. These cancer cells don’t stand a chance!!!

Well, the roller coaster ride continues. My blood results from last week showed possible liver trouble from the XL and elevated bilirubin. Dr. Krug moved my appointment from Wednesday to Monday in case things were getting worse. I was afraid they’d have to take me off the drug for a few weeks and lower the dose. First signs of possible serious side effects. I also had a urinary tract infection. Not surprising after the emotional stress of the previous weeks.

My friend Sarah came to my house from Crown Heights at 6:15 on Monday morning to accompany me to MSK. They drew their five tubes of blood and took an EKG. I’m getting needle phobic. Too many needles.

I told Megan and Dr. Krug that I was done with macrobiotics and that my appetite was gone. They agreed that I should wait a week, that possibly the “rocks and sticks” diet had affected my appetite. Dr. Krug was happy to let me know that my liver was on the mend and the bilirubin was down. It was encouraging that my body was able to experience healing despite the negative frame of mind I’d been walking around in. I felt encouraged that with a positive outlook a lot of healing could really take place.

I told Dr. Krug that I’d made the mistake of doing some independent research. Megan said “on the internet?” I nodded. Dr. Krug settled across from me, ready for a long conversation. He must have known I was a mess from what I’d seen and I appreciated his attentive and compassionate listening. He asked me what I read. I told them that I researched the EGFR mutation and the XL647. He asked me what I saw. I told him that I saw the abstracts from the phase 1 study, and part of the phase 2 study. I told him that I saw that participants with the EGFR mutation showed a 30 month survivability rate, as opposed to 3 months for those without the mutation on the same drug. I asked him if survivability rate meant mortality and he said yes. Then he added that 30 months is an average. I asked him what would happen once the XL stops working for me and he said he’d most likely put me on Tarceva, the predecessor to XL647, with more side effects. He said that Tarceva doesn’t shrink tumors, it just stabilizes them for a while. I didn’t like these answers and I told him so. I told him that I need him to share the belief that I could get rid of the cancer. I told him that I’m going to do everything I can to get rid of it and that one day I’d be his favorite patient. He said, “who’s to say that you’re not already my favorite patient?” I asked him if he knew of anyone that beat lung cancer. He said he didn’t know of anyone. Then he quietly added that even if I got rid of it, the cancer would eventually grow back. So I asked him if there are drugs in the works that pick up where the XL leaves off. He said yes, a few things are in the works. I asked him how he knew and he said that Sloan Kettering is the hotbed for all the research. That was a comfort. At least it felt good to express myself. I didn’t leave anything unsaid.

Sarah and I decided to go shopping after the consultation. We had four hours to burn until the follow up EKG and blood work. She was encouraging about my meeting with Dr. Krug and she helped me work on putting it all into the greater context. I was starting to see that I could really stand again in that place of faith, that doctors only know what they know, and that there is so much more to reality than oncologists and chemotherapy drugs. There must be at least one person in the world that had a spontaneous remission from lung cancer. I’ll bet there’s lots!

Out on Lexington Avenue we saw a pretty young woman on the sidewalk smoking. I told Sarah that every time I saw that I wanted to go right up to these women and tell them my situation. I really felt like if they heard it they’d quit. Well, after a brief back and forth psych up, we approached the girl. Sarah said “my friend has something to tell you”, and she elbowed me in the ribs. Nice intro, right? So, I said, “I have advanced lung cancer and I’ve never smoked a cigarette.” The woman was aghast and said how sorry she was for me. I said, “Thank you, but I told you because you’re young and beautiful and I just wanted you to know that cancer is real. It happens all the time and sometimes we think it can’t happen to us, but it does.” And she just looked at me and then she said, “I’m going to quit as soon as I get home.” And her friend came out of the building where we were standing. Then Sarah and I thanked her and continued up Lexington, but Sarah turned around and told me that the two women were talking about it. Maybe we saved someone’s life. Maybe two! It felt good. Sarah and I were kind of high from it and I joked that we should just spend the four hours walking around the city talking to people about smoking and cancer. What a zechus that would be! Imagine how many lives we could save!

But then we got to a great store and we had to go in. I got a great Indian silk wrap skirt for sixteen dollars. Good job! I was starving. It felt so good to be starving! We asked a man in a kippah if he knew of any good, healthy, kosher places for lunch. He recommended Café K and he told us to go to 48th and Madison. It was a good walk. On 48th street we saw another young girl smoking a cigarette and we stopped. I told Sarah I didn’t want to be intrusive, but in the end we decided it didn’t matter. We had to do it. But the girl had finished and was walking ahead of us. She was wearing an apron around her waist and sneakers. I knew she was a waitress. We wondered if she was going to our place. Well, of course she was! I told Sarah that if she was our waitress, then it was a sign. Well, a nice guy came to take our order. What a disappointment. I ordered a Greek salad. I hadn’t had anything like it in months and I felt so free!

Halfway into our salads and carrot/beet/celery juice the girl came to our table to see how everything was. Sarah and I looked at each other and smiled. “Could we have a personal conversation?” I blurted out. I guess I need to work on my lines. The girl was Israeli and didn’t understand what I meant. Sarah explained and the girl looked nervous. I told her that we saw her on the sidewalk while we were walking over. Then she said, “I know what it’s about.” I asked her what she thought it was and she said, “it’s about the cigarettes.” She looked sad. I said yes, and then I told her my situation. She just stared at me with these big, brown, beautiful, sad eyes and I told her the same thing I’d said to the woman on Lexington. She was so young, and so beautiful. She nodded and said “I’m going to try to quit. Please come back in one week and you’ll see.” We told her we’d be back in two weeks and I gave her my phone number and the Caring Bridge web address. After that, every time she passed our table she smiled and said “thank you, I’m going to try. Come back, you’ll see.” And Sarah and I were so moved and inspired.

Yoni met me at Sloan Kettering at the end of my day there and he took me out for the afternoon and then dinner at Le Marais to celebrate our 12th wedding anniversary. We had a great time and when we got to dinner I told him all about my meeting with Dr. Krug and he reiterated that doctors are only one vessel and that there are SO many vessels in the world that could be the channel for a complete recovery. He told me he Googled “Simcha Esther” and three pages came up with Tehillim lists, challah lists, prayer lists. I got all teary and I got it a little deeper that doctors don’t know everything. I ate half of my steak and some green beans, a few bites of fingerling potato and I was stuffed. I didn’t even want a glass of wine and it was easy to decline dessert, but it was a pleasure to have the freedom to choose.

Our last day of school was Wednesday and it was bittersweet. My five year old completed her Montessori experience and will be joining her big sister at school in Monsey in September. She’s excited to go, but her five years in our programs have been so rich, so nurturing. It’s sad to let it go and watch her move on.

Our friend Tzvi invited Yoni and me to join him and some other friends on Wednesday night for an evening of standup comedy to benefit Comedy Cures, an organization started by Saranne Rothberg. I eagerly agreed. It was good to be downtown, close to where I used to live on West 12th Street. A lot of my friends were there and I told Tzvi that I needed to find someone who had survived stage 4 lung cancer. He said he’d get right on it. He introduced me to Saranne. She is a survivor of stage four breast cancer and she experienced spontaneous healing. She’s been completely cancer free for years. She was really happy to meet me and she was such an inspiration for me. At the end of the evening, my friend Esther Rachel drove me home and while we were en route Saranne called me on my cell phone. She told me her whole story and then she told me she’d be there for me every step of the way. She told me about Dr. Dhonden, the former doctor of the Dalai Lama. He was instrumental in Saranne’s healing journey. She said that dignitaries from all over the world line up to see him and that he happens to be in New York for the rest of the week. He only comes once a year. She said she’d get me an appointment if I wanted one. Well, how could I resist?

At 6:15am my phone rang. It was Saranne. They could squeeze me in today during their lunch break. If I didn’t take the appointment I’d have to wait another year. I agreed to go and had to catch my morning urine in a jar for Dr. Dhonden to analyze. It was going to be an adventure, but I was sad that I wouldn’t be able to go to the circus with my kids. It’s become an annual tradition to take the kids to The Big Apple Circus after school lets out. My mother and my friend Na’ama agreed to take them and Esther Rachel came to take me back into the city.

When we arrived at the apartment on 23rd street we were instructed to remove our shoes before entering. We were excited to meet the famous Tibetan doctor and to experience something new. There were huge crystals everywhere in the cramped living room. A rose quartz, about a foot around, with beautiful pale pink spikes, sat squarely on the floor in front of the fireplace. A cross section of an amethyst the size of a four year old stood tall beside it. The room was thick with a peaceful energy and the heavy odor of spent incense. Esther Rachel and I, in our funky tichles, seemed to fit right in. A volunteer asked me to fill out a questionnaire and I marveled at the mangled string fashioned from scotch tape that attached the pen to the clipboard. A dog barked and then a woman entered from the hall with three frisky dogs following at her feet. She introduced herself as Dr. Marsha Woolfe and I knew from Saranne that she was Dr. Dhonden’s representative in the US, and that we were in her apartment. When I told her my name she smiled broadly and told me that she’d been at Saranne’s show the night before and when Saranne spoke with her about me they both thought that the whole evening happened just for me. She told us about the dogs. They were specially trained to “give love”. They visit sick people who benefit from the special healing from being with the dogs. Dr. Woolfe demonstrated how it works and one of the dogs climbed into Esther Rachel’s lap and gave her some love.

When it was my turn we went downstairs to see the doctor. Dr. Dhonden sat serene in the saffron and maroon robes of a Tibetan monk. A woman sat beside him, the interpreter, and Dr. Woolfe sat across from her. I was told to sit in the empty chair, directly in front of Dr. Dhonden, practically knee to knee. He placed a big pillow over my knees and closed his eyes while he felt my pulses. I closed my eyes also, and when I did, I felt intense surges of energy around my hand and in my head. I wondered if I’d imagined it. Dr. Woolfe read what I’d written about my cancer, all of it’s locations, and the interpreter translated. Dr. Dhonden spoke to her and gestured many times at his head. The interpreter said that I was very lucky that the cancer had not spread to my brain. Dr. Dhonden said that it usually goes to the brain before it goes to the liver. He asked about the Western medine that I was taking and I told him about the XL. Then he took my urine into a little room off to the side. Esther Rachel told me later that she watched swirl it around and around. Then he came back and told the interpreter all the foods that I should avoid. It wasn’t so bad. It was a short list of things I already knew were dangerous for me, and most of which I’d cut out of my diet already. He said I should eat a lot of berries and green grapes. Then he prescribed Tibetan herbs, formulated just for me, which I would receive in about three or four weeks. I asked if he thought I could get rid of it. He said that it is up to me. If I follow the diet, the regimen of herbs and continue to take my medicine, then the cancer would stop growing and I would feel very good. He said I would need the herbs for a very long time.

On our way out of the city, Esther Rachel and I debriefed the whole experience for a long time and I got it again that Hashem can bring His rafua through so many channels. I don’t know why it’s so hard to get. The 2500 year old Tibetan healing tradition is a good complement to western medicine. While our doctors work to kill the cancer, eastern medicine works to boost the immune system. They can work very well together. East meets West I guess. I liked the idea of oneness, of completion, of complements.

Back at home I tried to listen to a guided imagery cd and promptly fell asleep. Every now and then I’d awaken to Bernie Siegel’s voice, and then I’d doze off again. After an hour I forced myself up and started making Shabbos. I’m so happy to be cooking for myself and my family again. I need that to feel like a well person. I feel like I’m moving up the mountain and so many wonderful experiences are in store for me. It’s all going to be good and I think it has the potential to be lots of fun.

I’m feeling very full with love. When I start to feel down it helps so much to remember how many people are out there for me. I can’t tell you how it is helping me through. Just to know that you’re out there. Thank you so much for all the emails and the posts on the Guestbook. I really really needed them. Thank you so very much to Sarah and Mushkie for spending a few days with us so Mom could take a break. It was so much fun! And thank you Sarah for our day in the city. Thank you to R. Baslaw’s class for the incredible project you made for me! It’s sitting in a special place in my living room and reminds me every day that you’re all pulling for me. Thank you to the NY gang for the fabulous night out, and thank you Saranne for taking me on as if I were a daughter. Thank you for all the inspiring books, cds and dvds and thank you for the tire! We seem to need a lot of tire work these days….. What’s that about??? Thank you so very much to everyone who shuttled my kids to and from Monsey for the last three months, and to everyone who made a meal for us and to all the girls who came to help with homework, bedtime and on Shabbos. Thank you everyone for believing in my complete healing, and for constantly reminding me of it when I don’t believe in it myself. And, as always, thank you so very very much for all of your prayers! Please keep them coming. So many fantastic things are unfolding. These cancer cells don’t stand a chance!!!