My Friends, My Healing Angels,

I had a wonderful week! Friday morning my dear friend Clare came over to help/watch me cook. We made the family fave, bison chili, and a one-pot chicken, rosemary, garlic, tomato and mushroom mélange. I showed Clare how to make an authentic Caesar dressing and we ended the cooking lesson with organic peanut butter, grain sweetened chocolate, brown rice syrup, brown rice krispy bars (which were gone in one sitting on Shabbos day). Meanwhile, Sara, Mom and Raizy met a wonderful little boy and his mommy and, IY”H, they will be joining our Montessori program in September. G-d is good! All the spots are now filled and our staff is already busy getting the classroom ready for the new school year.

Shabbos was beautiful. Thank you so much for all the lovely flowers!!! The Feuermans and Rabbi Goldhar dropped by after lunch to visit and I posed a burning question to them. Is it okay to assert that I will be healed? Some say that it’s important to speak an intended reality, but I’ve been very uncomfortable about that. Who am I to say what any outcome will be? The verdict was that I’m right. We can beg the Great Healer to heal us, even demand it, but we can’t presume Hashem’s choice in the matter. Whatever He chooses, I have to believe it is what is good for all concerned, even if the good is completely hidden. I talked to them about my recent guilt/fear that I’m not doing enough mitzvos, or I’m doing them without the proper intention. Yisroel reminded me that Hashem heals even if we don’t deserve it. In that light, every mitzvah is a pleasure, not a “have to”. I thought about the pizza that beckoned to me when I went off the macrobiotics. Choosing the right thing or saying no to the bad can be a “want to”, a choice. There really is free will. Every mitzvah is a chance to come close to Hashem, but if I relate to it as a “should/have to/my life depends on it” – then I feel separated and afraid. Thankfully, R. Goldhar agreed to be my hishtadlus coach. With clear daily assignments and limits I think I’ll be able to function more normally in my spiritual work and in my enjoyment of daily life.

Sunday was a fast day beginning the three weeks commemorating the destruction of the temple in Jerusalem. It is a difficult and heavy time for every Jew. It’s a time when historically and presently, bad things happen. It’s a time for reflection, personal accounting and mourning. I didn’t have to fast, but I wanted to. Megan said I should eat and drink if I started to feel sick or weak. The XL647 is very dehydrating, (oh, yes, my nostrils are dry as a bone and I find myself constantly picking my nose to dislodge the eternal obstructions) so further dehydration due to fasting could put me in a bad situation. I told her I’d be careful.

When I woke up on Sunday I felt great, so I decided to try to keep the fast till chatzos, midday. It was hot, but I wanted to use the day, or part of it anyway, to tune into the energy available. So, Mom, Yoni and I took the kids to visit the cemetery where my mother’s parents are buried. I never met them in life, and I never visited their graves before. So, really, it was my first time meeting my grandparents, and certainly the first time for my children. I hope it brought them nachas to see their frum granddaughter and great grandchildren. It was weird to see that my grandmother died when she was 45. I always knew she died young, but it was something else to see it on her gravestone. But otherwise it was an amazing experience. I begged my Bubby and Zaiydeh to intervene in heaven on my behalf. They can do that! And in exchange I promised to learn some Torah every day in their merit. I also visited the grave of my Aunt Bea, my mother’s oldest sister. She was a warm comfort for me since I was a little girl and when I stood there with a bit of her soul close by I felt embraced in her big soft hug. I didn’t want to let go. Then a wind came and I smiled. It felt wonderful!

Standing there beside my grandparents I was very tuned in to the co-existing physical and spiritual realities. My grandparents, my aunt, they’re here, but not here. For us, we’re only here, but maybe we’re a little bit there too…. Standing at the graves I felt comforted. This reality or that reality – neither one is good or bad. But I’m here for a purpose and as long as I’m here I hope to fulfill that purpose. Before I left I asked my grandparents and Aunt Bea to be there for me when I come. Whenever that is. We are never alone really if we don’t want to be, and even when we want to be, we’re not alone. I know they’ll be there with their hugs when the time comes. That is a tremendous comfort.

When we got in the car my youngest demanded a cookie. And I laughed. We’re born into this physical reality and as children we are completely physical. Here, now, eat! Only as we grow older can we begin to fathom the other reality. It’s a process, this awareness. G-d likes process for us. It’s all process. Fasting takes us a little bit out of the physical and nudges us towards the spiritual. It was a fantastic opportunity. I made it to the end of the day with little difficulty. I’m excited about the three weeks and Tisha b’Av, the deepest day of mourning. There is a lot of energy available now to really focus on teshuva, fixing myself and perfecting my relationship with G-d.

When I came home I davened mincha and learned two lessons from the Chofetz Chaim on shmiras ha’lashon – guarding one’s tongue. Then I scanned the book shelves. Nothing seemed quite right. I went through the stacks of books on the living room table, nope. And then I knew what I needed to learn in my grandparents’ merit. I ruffled through the big pile next to my bed and pulled out the book on simcha. It was perfect! I’ve been learning a chapter a day and it’s helping keep me on track emotionally and spiritually.

On Monday I went to see Dr. Gatto. I was telling him about the difficult day I’d had last week and he kept pointing out that I don’t need any negative thoughts. I asked him what to do with them when they come up and he said, “Cancel, cancel, cancel”. I couldn’t stop and he kept pointing it out. It’s a muscle I guess. Mine is very weak, but I think it can become strong. This wild ride sure gives me plenty of opportunities to practice! I have to accept that I don’t NEED the negative thoughts and I need to really get that my subconscious mind can be harnessed for positive work rather than negative mischief. He did a long guided meditation with me to reinforce the concept and that night I slept for 6 hours straight without a single scary thought. I’ve been catching myself when the thoughts come up and I say “cancel, cancel, cancel”. I can do this.

On Tuesday morning Mom left for a short, well deserved vacation and Dad and Fran came to visit. It’s been great hanging out with them and the kids without any big agendas.

A film maker friend of ours introduced me to Judd Ehrlich, an experienced documentary film maker, and he and I met today for a few hours to talk about my project. I got a little crash course in preparing and selling a documentary and I’m so grateful to him for spending the time with me in the midst of his very busy day. During the course of our conversation Judd shared a priceless pearl of wisdom that I wasn’t expecting. I was telling him how the medical world is skeptical of miracles and the devastating impact it has had on me, and countless others. I said that I didn’t know how I could handle this in the film with any grace. Without any hesitation Judd agreed that is an important element of my story and then he pointed out that it’s also a gift. The statistics and the messages of doom keep me delving into my relationship with G-d and searching for faith and hope. It totally transformed my relationship to the medical facts.

While thinking about content for the documentary I was reminded of a famous poem I learned in high school. It didn’t move me much then, as I was feeling pretty immortal at 16, but I did file it away somewhere in the back of my mind. Now it has a personal poignancy. Here is the poem, by Dylan Thomas.

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieve it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

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Have a beautiful Shabbos!

Love,
Simcha Esther

Hi Everyone,

It’s been a good week, except for one day. I went to a bris in the morning. It was beautiful. New life is such a brocha. But it’s the end of a parsha for me. No more babies. Beginning of life and potential end of life energy showed up in such stark and shocking contrast.

That evening I went to a bar mitzvah. The speeches were deeply inspiring. It was incredible to see great grandparents, grandparents and parents all together celebrating the bar mitzvah boy, but I couldn't help but think that I may not see the day my sons each become bar mitzvah, let alone my grandsons. It’s a long way from now. It’s a lot to process.

It was a very public day for me. I was afraid to see people, to receive their sad looks. It’s hard to feel someone else’s pain about me. I want to make them feel better, to make them understand that I’m okay. I want the moment to pass quickly, so I don’t have to feel any of my own sadness and fear. I want to be b’simcha. There’s a time and a place for getting sad. Anyway, who really wants to go there?

That night I had terrible nightmares and when I wasn’t having nightmares I was up having horrible thoughts. At some point in the night I had the thought that maybe the emotional pain was a gift, to spur on my teshuva. I had been davening to Hashem to help me fix myself. Maybe this was His answer. I thought about that a lot and by the middle of the next day I was able to shake off the depression. It’s good to flex the mental muscles to fight the bad thoughts.

And then I learned that a young woman in my community died. She had advanced cancer and hung on for a long time. When I first learned she was ill I was reluctant to visit. It was a long time ago. I didn’t want to see what cancer looked like. When I was at Hackensack Hospital for a radiation treatment I finally went to visit her. I felt so bad for not reaching out sooner. And now she’s gone, aleha hashalom. I’m so grateful to everyone for reaching out to me. So many brave and beautiful people!

I keep feeling like I’m being led. The road is unfolding in front of me, rife with adventures, as well as pitfalls. But every experience on the road is an opportunity. I find myself surrendering to the journey, trusting that it is taking me everywhere I need to go. It’s a new way of living. Letting go. G-d is in charge. It’s a relief.

My intestines have been greatly improved with some Immodium. But still not eating much. Not losing so much weight either. What a waste!

I’m happy to say that, despite the one difficult day, I’ve been living again. Even though every morning when I wake up the first conscious thought I have is “I have cancer”, the constant consciousness of it seems to be receding a little. I have frequent spans of time when I lose myself in the activity of normal life. I’ve been writing a lot and also developing the documentary and I’m very excited to push these projects forward. I need investors if anyone’s interested in talking about it.

I saw Dr. Gatto, my hypnotherapist. He helped me do some mental surgery and now I do it every day. I close my eyes and imagine going inside my body and locating each tumor one by one. Then I take some tools and chip away at the tumors until they’re gone. I clean up the mess, discard the waste, and see my organs pink and healthy. I’ve also been meditating on lots of hungry white fish rushing through my veins and eating up all the rogue cancer cells. It’s very empowering.

Dr. Gatto also helped me see that I absorb everyone’s negative feelings. I walk around feeling guilty so much of the time, or adapting myself and circumstances to try to make people happy. I need to stop doing that. I’m working on recognizing it when it’s happening. It happens a lot. He helped me see that I carry so much unnecessary stress and that stress is a major contributor to the breakdown in my body. I HAVE to let it go.

People have been asking me if I “knew” I had cancer before the diagnosis. The truth is I did have a suspicion. But that didn’t really prepare me at all for the reality of it. I think I’m still not prepared for the reality of it all. There are deep levels of denial to wade through.

I do want to share this though. Several years ago I read about a blood test that detects ovarian cancer. I asked for the blood test and it came back positive. The test often has a lot of false positives, but I was freaked out until an ultrasound of my pelvis proved that I was fine. Well, it seems that the CA 125 blood test can pick up a number of cancers and it must have picked up the lung cancer when it was in an earlier stage. It’s sad that we didn’t investigate further at the time, but we didn’t know to do that. If I had known then, it might have dramatically changed my prognosis, but I certainly wouldn’t have had my last child. And I can’t imagine the world without his extraordinary neshama. I know that it was the will of G-d that I should not find out until now. Anyway, the blood test is out there, and readily available.

Have a blessed Shabbos.

Love,
Simcha Esther