Thanks for all the great notes I received this week! It makes a huge difference. Keep them coming, please!!!!

Despite the pain in my hip and all over my back, I’m doing great! The dizzies are a little bit better, enough to feel like that’s going to be fine at some point soon. I had an MRI last week to follow up the brain radiation, it was a sitting MRI, and it was a breeze to do. But they read it wrong, so I have to wait all over again to find out what’s happening in there. It’s been very interesting to notice that I didn’t run after anyone for the results. I think that all of my exciting projects of the week overshadowed the specter of brain tumors.  So, I’m patiently waiting. No hurry, no worries. I also have CT scans next week and I’m in no hurry to get those results either. It is what it is. And ignorance is bliss.

Adina and I are working hard on my website – it’s looking great! Can’t wait till it’s up and running. And tickets went on sale at Symphony Space for the Premiere on October 22. You can call the box office at 212-864-5400, or you can purchase online via their website, www.symphonyspace.org, or just click on this link: http://www.symphonyspace.org/event/6032-world-premiere-documentary-film-time-of-my-life .

The final program is as follows: 7:00 doors open, 7:30 film screening, 9:00-9:30 Q&A with moi, 9:30-midnight gala dessert reception at Aish HaTorah, 313 W. 83rd Street. Symphony Space is located at 2537 Broadway, at 95th Street.

VIP tickets are $72, General Admission $36. Both prices include admission to the post show party.

Naama was with us last Shabbos and we had lots of laughs. Ruchama came in the morning for my Shabbos foot massage and some great conversation and she brought me the most amazing zaatar and olive challah that she made just before Shabbos, as well as some healthy and yum fruit compote. What a nice way to start Shabbos day!!

I told Ruchama that I feel like I’m running a marathon and I can see the finish line. Seeing a finish line empowers the race in such an awesome way! All the things I ever wanted to do show up and I get to ask myself, what’s important? And then I let go of what’s not going to get done. When the finish line is in your face you have a different relationship to the run. The extra vroom. The go for it like your life depends on it! I’m so grateful for that. I think I’m accomplishing the important things. Finally! I’m running the good race. And I have runner’s high!!!

Time is my friend, I wake up excited. I’m doing what I love and I have to hurry and finish. And then there’s more! The next race to enjoy to the end, something that will make a difference, that will give my life purpose.

Late Shabbos afternoon I had the weirdest experience. I don’t even remember what triggered it. I remember sitting on my porch with Mom and Naama and the next thing I knew I was coming in the house, dropping on my bed, and Yoni was asking me all these really weird questions. Like, do you know that you’re making a movie? Do you know what it’s about? Do you know who Tsvika is? And I couldn’t answer any of them! The next thing I know, Mom is going to get Dr. Gejerman. Over the next 20 minutes or so my memory started to come back and I was able to answer Yoni’s questions without too much trouble. When Dr. G. came in he wasn’t worried at all. Apparently, memory lapses are normal after brain radiation. He said that if I wasn’t staring into space or speaking gibberish, it wasn’t anything to worry about. But it could happen again! Wow. So many new experiences! I feel so rich!!!

The Fentonyl could be causing weird things too. It’s opium and I wear these patches that release a good dose, slowly, directly into my skin, over 3 days. Day 1 is rough. It takes 12 hours to start absorbing the dose. I have to figure out a solution. I’m getting used to living with pain though. Hot baths with Epsom salts help lots.

Uncle Sheldon and Aunt Joy came to visit this week. No small thing! I think it’s been since my wedding that we’ve seen each other! We had a great afternoon reminiscing and reconnecting. Uncle Sheldon also remembered our family vacations on Lake George. He remembered catching the biggest fish one day, a big mouth bass. Seven people ate that fish!!!! He was there when the boat sank too. Great memories!

I remembered another childhood treasure this week. One Sunday morning, when I was about seven years old, the family was having breakfast together. My parents announced that they wanted to have a meeting about something very important. We all looked at each other blankly. Then Dad cleared his throat and said “somebody has been taking money from my jar.” Well, before he could even close his mouth, I blurted out “it wasn’t me!” And my brothers looked at me and laughed and I realized that I had given myself away. I turned red, red, red! And I was so embarrassed that my tzaddik of a father caught me stealing from him. And he went on after that. He said “I don’t know who it was, and I don’t even want to know who it was, but it’s going to stop”. And I knew that my morning forays into the gigantic jar on his closet floor were over. I was relieved. I hated stealing my dad’s loose change. No ice cream or candy on the way home from school was worth the guilt. In two short sentences my father relieved me of my thievery and guilt.

One day this week one of my children came home from camp and tattled on their sibling. That sibling was wearing a plastic watch that I had never seen before. I started to get angry, and accused the child of stealing (while at the same time shushing the tattletale sib). The one with the watch was genuinely in a tizzy, full out embarrassed and I saw myself, at seven, at the breakfast table. And I thought of the firm yet respectful way my father handled that situation. I saw myself being overly harsh, judging, causing unnecessary embarrassment. I realized that there is no chinuch, no learning, when I’m angry. All I teach when I’m angry is how to be angry. So, Yoni and I worked out a way for the watch to be returned without causing even further embarrassment and I pray that the initial scene left enough of an impression to prevent a future life of crime for this child. We’ll see, but coming down like the supreme court justice on such a young child is not good for anyone. And I appreciated so much the gentle and wise way that my father taught me not to steal. I never stole anything again after that morning. I doubt my brothers did either.

I’m so excited about Shabbos Nachamu! Akiva made his first fruit tart ever, from scratch, strawberry and blueberry and it looks divine!!! I have to remember to take a picture before Shabbos. Thank you so much to Mrs. Goldman for making a stunning Shabbos lunch for us! The cholent, kugels, kishke and cabbage salad look great! And thank you to Sharon for the gorgeous hydrangeas!

Mom made my chicken and barley stew recipe for dinner and the house smells like the food heaven that only a Bubba can create. Shabbos is going to be awesome, don’t you think?

Hope everyone has a delicious Shabbos!

Zaatar Olive Whole Wheat Challah

Delicioso!!!!!!!!!!! The best challah I’ve ever had!!! Thank you Ruchama for sharing.

Makes 1 large or 2 small Zaatar Olive Whole Wheat Challahs, or 10 to 12 rolls. (I like to make 1 small challah, and 6 rolls.)

• 1 packet active dry yeast (1/4 ounce/7 gram/2-1/4 teaspoons)
• 2 cups whole wheat flour, plus extra for kneading
• 1 cup, plus 3/4 cup all-purpose flour or bread flour
• 3/4 cup warm water
• 2 large eggs, plus 1 for egg wash
• 1/2 cup olive oil (extra virgin is most flavorful)
• 1/4 cup sugar
• 1 1/2 teaspoons salt
• 1/4 cup coarsley chopped green olives (from about 10 large olives, pits removed)
• 1 tablespoon zaatar

Preparing the Dough:

In a large bowl, whisk together the yeast and 3/4 cup of all-purpose or bread flour. Add the warm water and whisk until smooth. Let the flour and yeast mixture stand, uncovered, for 10 to 15 minutes, until the mixture expands slightly and bubbles appear near the surface.

Add the eggs, oil, sugar and salt, and whisk together until smooth.

Add the whole wheat and remaining all-purpose or bread flour, and stir with a wooden spoon, until the liquid ingredients are incorporated and the dough holds together in a ball (it will look a little shaggy).

Turn out the dough onto a lightly floured surface, and knead with clean, dry hands until it is smooth and elastic, with no traces of unincorporated flour, about 5 to 10 minutes. (Tip: If the dough is too sticky, sprinkle the dough and kneading surface with additional flour by the tablespoon. Knead after each addition, taking care not to add too much extra flour.)

Place the kneaded dough into a large clean, dry bowl. Cover with a tea towel or plastic wrap, and place in a warm, draft-free spot. Allow the dough to rise until at least doubled, about 1-1/2 to 2 hours.

Flavoring the Dough:

Punch down the dough. Place the dough onto a lightly floured work surface, and pat into a large rectangle.

Sprinkle evenly with the zaatar and olives. Fold the dough in thirds, and then in half to contain the seasonings, then knead until the zaatar and olives are well integrated. (Tip: The dough may tear at first, but will smooth out with kneading. If the olives make the dough too wet, sprinkle with flour by the tablespoon and continue to knead until the dough holds together and the flour, spices and olives are integrated.

Shaping the Dough:

Line 1 or 2 baking sheets with parchment paper.

For 1 large braided challah, divide the dough into 3 equal pieces. For 2 smaller challahs, divide the dough into 6 equal pieces. For rolls, divide the dough into 10 to 12 pieces.

Roll and shape the dough pieces with your hands to form "snakes" or "ropes" of even thickness and length. (The ropes should be about 10 to 12 inches long for a large challah, 8 inches long for smaller challahs, and 4 to 5 inches long for rolls.)

For braided challah: Place 3 dough ropes side-by-side on the baking sheet(s). Pinch the ropes together at one end to secure them together. Starting at the connected end, braid the ropes together, by laying the right rope over the center rope. Next, pass the left rope over the center rope, and repeat the process until the entire loaf is braided (try to keep the braid tight). Pinch together the ends of the ropes. Tuck the pinched ends at both sides of the challah under the loaf slightly, to keep them secured.

For rolls: Gently "knot" each rope by placing one end over the other, pulling one end through, and tucking the other end under the rolls.

Cover the loaves and/or rolls with a clean tea towel or plastic wrap. Allow to rise until at least doubled, about 1-1/2 to 2 hours.

Baking the Breads:

While the breads finish rising, preheat the oven to 350° F.

Prepare the egg wash by beating together 1 egg and 1 to 2 teaspoons of water. Using a pasty brush, evenly brush the loaves and/or rolls with the egg wash.

Bake the breads in the preheated oven, until the loaves or rolls are well browned and glossy, and make a hollow sound when tapped. Bake rolls for approximately 15 to 20 minutes, small challahs for 30 to 35 minutes, and large challah for 40 to 45 minutes. (Tip: Check the rolls or loaves midway through baking, and switch the direction of the baking sheets if the breads are browning unevenly.)

Transfer the challahs to wire racks to cool. Enjoy!

Y’all must be on vacation because I didn’t get so much feedback this week. I miss your feedback!!! I need it. More than any drug. So, please don’t hesitate to write me. Even “hi, I’m out here”.

Well it’s the nine days, the heavy time leading up to Tisha B’Av, the saddest day of the Jewish year. Typically these nine days are difficult days for everyone, and Mom keeps reminding me, us, that – it’s the nine days, oh yeah. And we laugh it off. Like chemo day this week. Clare was coming early to get me – I thought we’d be on time for a change – but she got stuck on a phone call with her boss and couldn’t get off. When I called her at our designated pick up time she was just leaving Hoboken. Oy! So much for my plan to be there early. Mom was scared to drive into the city, so I hopped into the driver’s seat and told Mom to get in. I was going to drive in all by myself. She was nervous, and rightly so, I can’t remember the last time I drove a car. But I was determined. And she got it. So she got in. I got lost twice going to the Lincoln Tunnel. A no-brainer for me 4 months ago, now a significant mental challenge. And you know what else, I can’t figure a tip on a bill at all. It looks like it’ll be easy, but then I look and I’ve tipped our waiter over $100 for a pizza and salad. When I met Judith 2 weeks ago at Sloan she told me she was getting over brain radiation too. She said, “you know, I used to be smart.” I can relate. I feel like a real dummy sometimes. But it’s funny, and we’ve gotten some good laughs from the garble that comes out of my mouth on occasion.

Oh, I’m rambling. Back to the beginning of the nine days, driving into Manhattan, got lost twice, but I found my way back. That’s the good news. I had a dizzy episode when I got out of the car. Luckily Clare had gotten there early and she was ready and waiting, having already informed them that I’d be late, and she parked my car for me while Mom and I headed into the building. Then I started shaking and the doorman got me a wheelchair pronto. He pushed me all the way to the waiting area on the 9th floor (via the elevator!!!) and was so nice about it.

When I saw Denise, Dr Krug’s nurse, she asked me all the regular questions. Fatigue? Some. Mouth sores? No. Skin rash? No. Then she asked the 2 bathroom questions, and I started to laugh. Because after about a week of unproductive Senekot and Colase and serious dehydration in the digestive tract, there was quite an explosion during the night. And it broke the toilet! Yes! Broke the toilet. Caput. Plumber came the next say and said it was all over. Done. NINE DAYS!!!!!

Dr. Krug wanted to know what was going on with the pain in my hip. He saw that I was walking funny. So I had to go for an x-ray. It was pretty quick, but we were meeting someone for dinner and it meant we’d be about an hour later than we had said, and she was coming all the way from Long Island, just for me! Oy. I was getting all stressed out about it and Clare and Ella and Mom were super. They made all the phone calls and they kept reminding me that I didn’t need to stress about it at all. So I kept letting it go, multiple times, ‘cause it’s such a big, bad habit!!!

Chemo was a breeze, it usually is these days. Thank G-d! We were done by 5:45 and went next door to pick up the car. Everyone was picking up their car. The Nine Days.

We had dinner at Mike’s Pizzeria with my friend Shoshanah who taught me so much about good nutrition and after writing a tip for $117 we got up to go, but I had a dizzy spell and thank G-d someone jumped up to give me her chair ‘cause the floor was looking awefully comfy at that moment and I was soooooo embarrassed! The Nine Days. Mom drove all the way home after dropping off Clare. Mom was just amazing in those narrow Hoboken streets. I kept telling her to breathe. She was very coachable! Then we got stuck in Route 3 traffic, for about an hour, and someone needed the facilities. The nine days. We made it home and I had 2 dizzy episodes before I even got to my bed. The nine days.

I cancelled Dr. Gatto the next morning. I was not interested in falling down getting to his office and by now I was pretty stressed out about it happening all the time. He worked with me on the phone and it was terrific. Fifteen minutes of targeted hypnotapping and back to bed. He told me to do the hypnotapping by myself 2 more times and to call him in the morning. We’ll see how it goes. I’m really committed to G-d fixing my equilibrium, which is my intention in the tapping. In fact, it’s fixed already!

I woke up today with so much less pain. Yay!!!! Only 50 micrograms of time release opium (Fentonyl) and 4 Percocet and I had a great day. This is good news because the pain meds seemed to not be working at all. So, to wake up and to be able to move a little bit with so much less discomfort was such a relief.

Did I mention that my eyelashes are growing back? Yup! They’re pretty blonde, so you can’t really see them, but they’ll hold mascara I guess. I’ll try it for Shabbos. I hope it won’t hurt the delicate baby hairs. They grew back REALLY fast. I keep rubbing my head checking for new growth. Nothing yet. It’s okay. Mom’s hat is coming out beautiful!

I’m getting good at endings. I’ve had endless endings over the last months, so much that it could only be part of a big plan. So now, when a change or ending is imminent and or unplanned, I really take it in stride. Something exciting is about to happen! And it usually does. It just feels like a healthy way to live.

Athena came to do some physical therapy with me. First she did a long assessment. And I was offered a wheelchair, shower chair, cane, walker, some kind of bizarre toilet contraption, and I said no, thanks, uh uh, no way, nope. I explained that having the stuff around just makes me feel like a sick person. By the time we were done I said maybe to a few of the items. I realized I could create an empowering interpretation for having the stuff, and I don’t have to keep it where I see it all the time. Falling, really falling, would not be a fun trip. She left me with a page of exercises that she thinks will help me. Yup. I’m committed to that. And I like her too, so it’s nice expanding the team. And she comes to the house, perfect!!

Many thank yous this week – all the yummy dinners we received. Thank you Sharon for hosting Chaya and Dovid and our gang, as well as your own guests, on Shabbos. Chaya and Dovid – the food was divine! Love that salmon!! Thank you for the flowers and more flowers! And for all the rides for me, rides for kids, thank you Chaya Ita for covering at home so Mom could come with me at the last minute to chemo – it meant a lot to both of us! Especially since I temporarily lost my ride at the last minute there! Thank you Ella, Clare and Mom for being there on Wednesday, a crazy day, and challenging emotionally and physically. And thank you to everyone who visited me on Shabbos (from 4-6) and to Ruchama who came at her kavua visiting time on Shabbos morning (she gives me the most divine foot and hand massages. And she makes me laugh!!!!!)

Please send me your lists of friends that would enjoy receiving an invitation to the film premiere. Name and email I think would be easiest and best. Adina is working hard to finish my website. I hope to announce that it’s up and running soon!! You’ll be able to see the 7 minute preview and lots of other great stuff!!!

Signing off now. Better short than nothing, right?

Have a great Shabbos and I look forward to more reporting next week.

Much love,

SE

Life’s getting good! I’m letting go of all the drama. I was always immersed in so much drama. Just being in my relationships. Especially Yoni and Mom – just letting go of all the persnickety pet peeves. They’re still there, but I’m done fighting. I’m taking a break from driving everyone crazy with my very detailed expectations. Life is getting peaceful here. Yoni and Mom are also working very hard on themselves, and between the three of us I think I see the beginnings of a good working team. I guess the kids will give us feedback as we go along. Kids are the best barometers, and mine are a particularly tough crew. Changes in them are hard to miss. So, the drama that used to fire things up around here is burning down. We’ve been having some really nice times and everyone’s working hard on resolving differences. And we have lots of those. One really great thing I have to say about the three of us, we all look deep at our issues, and we’re not afraid to communicate authentically about them. And we can help each other.

I’ve been looking hard at this intolerance, an irritability – I’m so easily irritated, especially with the people closest to me. I’m giving it up. And sometimes it means letting go of an issue, an event, that I would typically have treated with life and death importance. Now, when I let these things go, they start to look really ridiculous, or at least totally benign, or even better, I can see irritating behavior as signs of love and concern, or sadness and fear. Compassion and appreciation are possibilities now whereas anger and intolerance used to be the norm.

We spent a great time Tuesday afternoon with Elisheva Welcher – whom I remember from when she was about seven years old. Her family lived across the street from us, and I was very close with them when I just married and moved to Passaic. Then they moved to South Africa and I was so sad when they left! Now Elisheva’s all grown up, and her sibling count has doubled since I saw her last. It made me miss her family all over again!

Well, I’m still having these dizzy spells, and the pain in my back and hip is not getting handled by the pain meds yet. My medical team is working diligently to find the right combination of pain meds to keep me comfortable. In the meantime, it’s pretty limiting. On the morning of chemo I fell on the floor, well I sat down really, when I knew my body wouldn’t hold me up anymore. I canceled Dr. Gatto and went back to bed. When I woke up I was in good shape and Clare came to take me to chemo, Ella was already there waiting for us. I gave my weekly blood and we went to wait.

We were so happy to see Judith there! She’s the lovely lady that I met months ago. She liked my Israeli tichel and wanted to know how I tie it. We met her again another time and Ella had a long talk with her about fixing her relationship with G-d. She’s someone we connected with and I feel lots of love for her. After I gave my blood and we sat down to wait for them to prep my chemo drugs, we met this great lady Sheila, who I quickly found out has a single, very successful and handsome son. She was more than happy to give us his email address. She thought Ella was more than cute. Then they called Sheila for her appointment and a while later a gentleman emerged and wanted to know which one of us was the image consultant. I guess he was looking for Ella. He said he was Sheila’s husband. We had told her that Ella is a professional coach. He must have gotten confused by that. Personal coach, image consultant, same difference I guess. Anyway, it was a fun interchange and when they called me in for my chemo it felt like we had waited only 10 minutes instead of about 2 hours! We didn’t even have time to order lunch!

I had a long talk with Ramona, Dr. Krug’s chemo nurse, describing the dizzy fall from the morning as best I could. I told her my head starts to swim and then my muscles start to shake, then I feel like they are going to collapse, so I dropped to the floor. And she said it sounds like it could be muscle atrophy, and that physical therapy would help a lot and that they could order a prescription for a therapist to come to my house!!!!! She also said that it could be residual stuff from the radiation, and that those symptoms could last up to 6 months. And I’m about halfway there. Then she went to speak with Denise, Dr. Krug’s regular nurse, and after hearing me describe it again, with more accuracy this time, she agreed with Ramona and wrote me a prescription for home PT. But you know, I was so relieved that I finally was able to describe the experience with such accuracy, that Ramona knew right away what it was likely all about, and that both Ramona and Denise said that it would almost definitely go away eventually. Then we talked about the pain and the meds I was taking, and she had some good ideas for me. So, it looks like I don’t have to experience so much pain once we figure out what will work for me. If we can get the dizzy and the pain under control, then I can start feeling a little more normal. Can’t wait! I’ll start meditating now.

Ella, Clare and I went to Deli Kasbah after chemo and I had a delicious dose of red meat to boost my blood counts. We shared a juicy burger, a corned beef sandwich and a pastrami sandwich with a mess of fries and mashed potatoes. Clare asked me about the Jewish view of heaven and hell, and we had a long talk about the process that the body and soul go through after death. It’s a beautiful process really, and it wasn’t hard talking about it. This world really is just a passageway, and when you look at what comes after, that passageway becomes so clear, and the purpose of everything becomes clearer, and it’s really a comfort in this weird reality called life.

A lot of people have expressed the desire to spend time with me. People I know well, people I’ve never met, and everyone in between. I’ve been trying to find a nice way to basically tell people that it’s hard for me. I’m an introvert, and it’s oftentimes stressful for me. Especially to sit and make conversation with people I don’t know so well. Usually, once I get past the initial anxiety I love hanging out with new and old people. But there’s always that initial fear that comes up. I’ve been thinking about it a lot. And it’s really more complex than this, but I’m trying to simplify the picture in order to make my needs clearly known. So, this is what I came up with. All subject to change as the adventure of my life unfolds. But this is what is true for me at this moment. Shabbos from 4-6 is always the best time to visit. And if you can call before to see if I want visitors, even better. In general, weekdays are not good for visits unless we’ve agreed to get together beforehand. ALWAYS CALL FIRST, or even better, email me to make a date, and if it’s a weekday, expect me to be busy. I’m working on lots of things and those weekday hours while the kids are at camp are precious work time.

I’m feeling peaceful. Every time I let go of something that’s anxiety producing, I feel a big release and then peace. The world doesn’t come to an end when I stop trying to control it all!!!!! Maybe that’s the growth I need to experience, the peace of letting go, rather than the suffering and struggling to make things work that aren’t meant to be for me, or for now. And the question of who I spend my time with, my LIFE with, or what I spend my life doing, becomes a choice. I don’t need to be with anyone or anything that stresses me out. You see, we get to choose how to respond to what G-d gives us. Right now I have enough stress. I’m giving myself permission to choose who I let close, and to stop feeling guilty every time I say no to someone who wants to spend time with me, help me with something…  I’ve been making careful choices and it feels healthy. Okay, that’s that. I hope nobody is offended.

I woke up VERY early the day after chemo. I get 8 milligrams of steroids with every chemo. I also had a Snapple on my way into the city. I don’t ever have caffeine. I just needed the taste of cold tea at that moment. Anyway, the pain in my back seemed a little better. I hesitated a long time before getting out of bed. I was afraid of the short walk to take care of my morning obligations. I fell to the floor halfway there. And I was stuck. And everyone was sleeping. And I was scared and everything was shaking. So I started to talk to myself about how this feeling always passes and then I feel fine, that it’s just weak muscles that need some good workouts, that Hashem gave me another day to continue to challenge me, to grow, because He loves me so much and right there, on the floor, stuck between the bedroom and the bathroom I said Modah Ani, I was so grateful for another day to face my challenges, to grow!!! And then, I looked around trying to figure out how I would get to my destination. And I moved and felt myself slide a little bit across the floor towards the bathroom. And I was filled with gratitude for the flash of insight and I pushed myself to where I needed to go and I got there in no time. All by myself. And I felt Hashem’s love for me intensely. When I finally made it back to bed I was exhausted and slept soundly for another couple of hours.

I want to get back to my full life so badly! I especially want to do things with my kids, and I want to cook!! I don’t think I’ll recognize my kitchen when I go back in there! But we are so so grateful to all the great women who have been making meals for us for a long time now. We’ve been getting lots of yummy and healthy dinners.

Until I’m back to myself, we very seriously need someone or a few girls to help with the kids in the mornings, evenings, Friday afternoons and occasional Sundays. Helpers need to be very reliable, outgoing, patient and creative. My kids are tons of fun and once they get comfortable you’ll have a fan club for life!

Thank you to my fabulous sister-in-law for hosting a hugely successful event in her home to raise money for Rofeh Cholim, a great organization that generously supports families touched by cancer. Y'yasher Kochech Rachel! Tizki l’Mitzvos!!