Hello My Dear Friends,

It has been a long while and I apologize for checking out for a while. Thank you for your patience and understanding. While I’ve been sleeping off the radiation effects so much has happened in my life. When I worked with Ella a few months ago on my vision and a five year plan I mapped out a few domains that I wanted to address over that time. Well, check it out! I’ve actually started to address ALL of them in the past couple of weeks and some things are moving forward with great speed. Pure brocha. I’m not even working hard – Hashem is doing most of it. I’m just napping and eating and returning email and phone calls. Maybe I’m just getting out of the way and letting things happen, but I can’t believe how things are moving. Life is coming to me the way it did when I lived in the Old City of Jerusalem, and all the people I needed to see in a day would appear in my path on the short walk from Chabad Street and the parking lot, across the square and down to the Isralight Institute on Misgav Ladach. Letting go. It’s all about stepping into the unknown, loosening control, going into the scary places, and discovering that the fears really aren’t real and the bounty of blessing is infinite. Lots of great stuff in the works. It’s all great! I’ll share the details as things get solidified.

Someone asked me last week how long I’ve been suffering with cancer and I was really surprised by my automatic reaction – I blurted out “I’m NOT suffering with cancer! I’m LIVING with cancer.” It was such a visceral response, totally from my gut. Truth is, looking back, the only suffering I think I’ve experienced were the emotional delays while I reorganized myself to accept something new in my reality – that’s when the fear of the unknown tries to get me – but every time I’ve risen above it and transformed a challenge into a growth opportunity. I pray I’ll always be victorious that way. I’m getting a lot of good practice! I think that is what these times are all about. What levels we can reach through challenge? First we have to give up being victims about it all. I’m not a cancer victim. And I pray that nobody will ever call me that – ever! I am a cancer warrier!!!

So how am I feeling? Okay, I’ll tell you, and then we’ll move on to the good stuff. I’ve lost most of my hair (there are a bunch of stragglers, but they just make me look really weird) I've been exhausted, I’ve had this intense acid disturbing my digestive system, and this taste of ink in my mouth that only gets worse every time I eat or drink something, I have burns all over my scalp and behind my ears, and the skin is peeling like crazy, I’ve been dizzy and wobbly, like I’m walking on a moving boat, I’ve had headaches, one ear is completely clogged, there are scabs in my ears, very often I’m borderline nauseous, my bones have been hurting in my back again, oh and I’ve lost my eyebrows and lashes. There’s probably more, but who cares. My life is really good.

Thank you for your awesome and inspiring messages over the past 2 weeks. I wish I could have personally responded to everyone. But I really did read every Guestbook entry and every email and they really lifted me up. Welcome Aish.com family!!!! And thanks Carol for making the shidduch. Her Jewish Action article was reprinted on Aish.com and so many new people have visited the blog since then. Thank you to all the wonderful women who cooked meals for my family over the past few weeks, for everyone’s prayers, for the tons of challahs, and for the great cds that were so hard to resist till Lag b’Omer. (I cheated once.)Thank you for all the rides and thank you to our wonderful friends for your awesome Shabbos hospitality!

I started chemo again last week and the team was all there. It was good to be back at Sloan Kettering. Back in a “normal” routine even though I left with 5 bandages from all the iv and blood draw attempts. That mediport looks sweeter and sweeter every time I go. We rescheduled that procedure for the day after Memorial Day.  

I’ve been sleeping at Mom’s till I get over the radiation effects and I’ve been going home before bedtime and back in the morning to spend time with the kids. They are AMAZING! They are totally showing up in a new clearing. What I mean by that is this. When we think we know someone we hold them in a clearing, a set of fixed beliefs about who they are, what to expect from them, etc. Well, when we recognize that we’ve been experiencing them through these limiting beliefs, and then we admit that those beliefs are made up, not necessary based in truth, and we let them go in favor a more empowering vision of who they COULD be, or MIGHT actually already be (if we’re feeling really generous in our judgement of them – not a bad idea by the way), then they have all this space to show up great. Unexpected, Awesome even. Well, that’s what’s been happening with my children. When I recognized that I was experiencing them through the lens called “they’re difficult, they’re naughty, they’re frustrating, if I don’t control them they’re going to zap all of my vital energy”, when I saw that I saw them that way and when I let it go, they IMMEDIATELY showed up as loving, strong, creative, helpful, affectionate, cooperative, communicative, interesting and so much more that I’m still discovering and I hope I never stop discovering! They are amazing neshamos. Really special souls. They say that we pick our parents, choose our life journeys before coming down into this world. Who must they be to have chosen all this? I’m in awe of them and I feel like this journey together is so powerful. There are very very deep life lessons for them to gain from our shared adventure.

I’ve been pretty great with my kids! Where did all the anger go? I’m just being with them, responding, it’s gentle and fun! I’m being that way a lot with people – there are moments, but surely those are meant for me to stop and learn something. I can’t believe who I’m being with them. Someone else surely. I’m being all the moms I know who are so awesome with their kids!! I hope I can be that when I’m all the time home.  

I feel like the kids are transformed. We want to make life sweet for each other. They are growing. We are passing the tests. No matter what happens, It is ALL good. No time to waste being sad about the hard stuff. Death is real and when Hashem decides that He wants to take us, He’ll take us. Why worry about it? And you know, I’m having a lot of fun with this crazy cancer – it’s filled my life with only good things right? Wow! I’ve met so many great people and I’m so connected to everything – even people I never met – I love them too! Wow! What big vessels we are for love and light.

This is what I got for Mother’s Day and it meant the world to me. I got a beautiful card, with a photo of a yummy little boy and this note (illustrated with a double pink and red heart and a few crossed turquoise and purple lines representing fireworks):

My Mommy’s favorites!

–        Purple and pink (Yup! He noticed!)

–        chicken  (Yup again! If it’s organic.)

–        reading stories with me. (The best. Let’s do more!

Yup! Yup! Yup! Yummy.

And I got a decorated apron and this recipe from one delicious little girl:

Ingredients of a Great Mom  

- small package of an adorable daughter

- 1 pound of patience

-2 cups of Hugs and Kisses

-1 tablespoon of fun

-Add lots of love

-Then sprinkle with laughter

- Eat Me Up!

When my hair started to fall out just at the end of the radiation I thought it was a good time to read a special book to the kids I had gotten in the library. I was holding onto it for a while. It’s called Promises and it’s about a little girl who’s mom has cancer and she’s embarrassed ‘cause her mom has no hair and she’s sad and mad because her mother has to go to the hospital a lot and she’s scared to visit cause she’s afraid her mom will look different in the hospital, but she looks the same and after a while her hair grows back and she has more energy and she asks her mom to promise that she’s never going to get sick again and her mom tells her that she can’t promise that, but she can promise to go for a walk that day in the park, and to get ice cream on the way home. Eliana came and sat next to me and giggled at different places while I read and I knew the book was touching some nerves and it was good for her to get it out. Batsheva came and perched on the chair behind me and Oriel came and sat on the arm of the chair. After I finished reading I told them that my hair was falling out too and it looked strange and did they want to see it? And they did. So I took off my tichel and they had a good look. And I felt really vulnerable. But we went through it together. The girls wanted to touch my head and I let them. Oriel looked away that first time. Since then I’ve uncovered my head many times at home so we could all get used to it. Anyway it’s so itchy and it‘s such a relief to leave it bare. Eliana saw the book again and she said “I really like this book”, so I ordered it from Amazon and it came on Shabbos. We are in process.

I’m okay with the hair falling out. Mom said I have a good head. It’s nice to meet my head. I do have good bones, thank G-d! And I don’t have a thick neck. And it’ll be great for summer. It didn’t behave at all like the doctors and nurses all said it would. It did not come out in clumps. Instead it shed itself out till it was gone. Oh well. That’s me, always have to be different.

Docs say it will grow back, but then we remember that I’m back to chemo, so who knows. It’s really not such a big deal, except that it’s itchy and burns right now. It’s a huge spiritual tikkun. Complete shedding of gevura. Boy did I need that!!!! Very humbling too. I’m really getting to what inner beauty is all about. Everyone’s!  

I started planning the gala film premiere. It’s going to be in New York in early September and it’s sure to be a gorgeous event! We should have a final date soon. I hope everyone will come! If anyone has a connection to a publicist, or to Oprah, please let me know. There are a bunch of things that we want to do pre and post the big event.

I’ve been really flying over the past two weeks, ecstatic really. And now, thankfully, I’m coming to rest. I need rest.  For days I was waking up really early and just lying in bed thinking about the tremendous hashgacha pratis in my llife and I was overflowing with gratitude. Modah ani! I would sit there all morning just thinking that G-d is so good. I couldn’t even daven I was just crying and crying in gratitude. What weird psukei d’zimra! Just sitting in gratitude and visualizing complete healing – telling the world that Hashem is so merciful and good – this is not the scientists cancer – this is G-d’s cancer – a makkah made for me – the drugs, the treatments, they are crude and clumsy, but G-d is the Ultimate Healer and He heals miraculously, smoothly, nothing crude or clumsy about it – all healing comes from Him. Or it is doesn’t. And that’s His will too, so there’s really nothing to worry about. I can just do my work and let Him worry about everything. Making myself bittul, nullifying myself, what a relief! I’m so tired of doing all the worrying and work of resisting Him.

I’ve been reading a collection of letters from the Lubavitcher Rebbe on Health and Healing. The whole first section is about the mitzvah of taking care of one’s health, avoiding things like unnecessary fasting that weaken the body, and subsequently weakens the soul. He reminds me that my body is created totally for doing mitzvos and that doing anything to reduce the vitality of the body prohibits that basic premise. This changed my perspective about doing mitzvos profoundly and when someone came knocking at my door looking for tzeduka I jumped up, eager to use my body for doing a mitzvah, and I opened the door, smiled deeply and offered the old man a drink of water. He was so full of gratitude for the glass of water. It was already a hot day. And me? I connected to another soul and gave him something worth a lot more than the $1 tzeduka. Normally I get irritated, sometimes angry for the interruption.

I think I’m glowing – does radiation do that? Strangers are smiling at me and saying hello. Just connecting and connecting and oh it feels so good!

I was afraid that when this intense period of spiritual reflection passed (and the steroids completely wore off) I would lose all the connections to the insights I’ve been given. But when I went out on my porch the other morning and I couldn’t get over the beauty of this world I knew it was mine forever, I just might have work a little bit to access it. Pain gets us to G-d. even the choices we make that make a mess – that’s G-d too in the end. He creates us in the moment, and us making the messes. And hopefully cleaning up the messes. Nothing fills me up like cleaning up a mess.

And I’m just so grateful to be singing my song to G-d. I am fulfilling a very big potential that I always knew I had and never had the chance to step into. I want G-d to make me a vessel. He pounds me like a lump of clay, chisels me like a block of stone, making me into His masterpiece! And when that’s done then, maybe I will stand in my full glory, potential actualized. Everything that isn’t really me gone.

How ‘bout that singing our song? I’m so about people stepping into their greatness. We each have that unique song to sing in the world. And we all have that place where we stop. Step into that place! While there’s still breath left! Surrender to it, let go of the fear and let G-d help. Nothing is impossible. Those are our broken places, the clay and stone that aren’t us but that drag us down in our lives. The lessons we absorbed in childhood about ourselves and reality. Let it go. It isn’t real. We are not selfish, lazy, stupid, fat, ugly. We are gorgeous, great, unique, powerful, capable. Let’s let go of those impediments to joyous self expression, fulfillment of potential, missions accomplished. We all made with such tremendous greatness!!!!!

I was afraid to step into my greatness with my kids. But you know, It’s so much easier! I am a pretty great mom. I never ever would have known it if I didn’t surrender my fear. I am peaceful. I come from love. I want to give to them. I want their greatness and they give it to me all the time.

Feelings. Oy are they a challenge! Pursuit of happiness. It’s not about that at all and it’s so easy to forget that in this confusing world of easy physical pleasures. And that reminds of something that happened about 2 weeks ago. Oriel Tzedek was hungry for candy and he was hunting in the pantry and he found some “carrot chips” (carob chips) and he grabbed a plastic bowl and ran to the table with two big handfuls of chips. But he just had something sweet and I told him he had to wait. “But I want it NOW!!!” And I knew he meant it. So I talked to him about wanting NOW and how the yetzer hara comes to get us with these things that we think we want NOW but we can fight it! We can fight that yetzer hara and give Hashem nachas! And had sat at the table hunched over his fistfuls of chips and I could see him really fighting with himself – his head was bowed and he was looking at the floor and his fists were hiding under the table and squeezed tight. And I kept cheering him on to fight that yetzer hara and win and he slooooooowly opened one fist and let the chips drop into the bowl and I kept cheering him for the fist to open and the fight was visibly harder for him and I loved him so much for that inside battle and I told him he won already and he could win again! And slowly slowly slowly he opened that little fist and held his hand open over the bowl and the chips were melted to his little sweaty hand and I was so proud of him – and I told him he did the hardest thing and shook the chips loose and went to get an orange and we shared that orange and the joy of his victory. And I told him that he is growing up and that I’m working on growing up too and he thought that was very funny. And a few days later he came to me with a baggie of gum and he said “I need to hide my gum for later.” And I told him to go to Tati and tell him that you need to hide your gum for later and that you’re fighting your yetzer hara and you’re winning! And he ran to tell Yoni and to hide that gum and he was really so proud of himself and I knew that we had exercised some really big muscles together. And I’m loving his little yetzer hara, and having fun with him and maybe loving my own in the process.

Have to stop here. Shabbos is coming and I haven’t done a thing to get ready. I’ll save the rest of my notes for next time. For now, enjoy this quote that I have carried in my heart for the last 20 years. I think I finally know what it means.

“A Splendid Torch”

This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.

I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community, and as long as I live it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can.

I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no “brief candle” for me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.

-George Bernard Shaw from Man and Superman

Blessings for a joyous Shabbos!!! Keep spreading the light!!!

With much love,

Simcha Esther

PS I’m so excited that Yocheved Sampson will be leading an art and meditation series to help women connect with the Creator within and the power of our own creativity. I’ll be joining her on Thursdays from 10:30am-12noon starting in June. If anyone is interested in coming along for the journey, please email Yocheved at  samps@optonline.net or call 973-773-7728.

Dearest Friends,

Thank you so much for your unbelievable messages over the past week! I am overjoyed that we inspire one another so profoundly. Finished radiation on Wednesday and stopped the steroids altogether yesterday praise the Lord!!!!!! It’ll be a few weeks to a month until all the effects wear off, but I’m really doing just great! However, I am thoroughly exhausted right now. Could be ‘cause I was out celebrating last night with a bunch of close friends at a great new restaurant Noi Due on the Upper West Side, followed by a late night ice cream tasting at Max & Mina’s in Queens (the one that has been closed every time we go – this time I called the owner, told him my story, and they stayed open till we got there at 11:20pm. Thanks Mark and Jason! And thanks for the great tie dyed Max & Mina t-shirt – so right up my alley). We ended the evening at the kever of the Lubavitcher Rebbe. Great night. So, I was hoping to post a long entry today, but please forgive me. Must nap. I will write very soon – I have pages of notes already from the last week!

Blessing us all with a sweet and peaceful Shabbos.

Love,

SE

I am good. I am great! I am wonderful!!!

I finally am ready to write. I could easily write a book just recapping the last two weeks. Today all the time thoughts to share fly into my head. I can’t stop it. I have to keep writing it all down so I can share it with you. It’s like an explosion. I hope I can capture all of it, most of it, what’s really important to put down.  I need to tell it. Most of it anyway, so much is so personal, I beg your patience and your forgiveness. It is long, it is deep, some details will have to be revealed over time and some details may never be told. It is completely self indulgent to focus so entirely on my own experience, but that’s where I am. And it heals me to write it. I pray that something in it will inspire. To justify the total focus on myself. But I feel deeply related to you. You have been with me so intensely throughout this journey. Knowing that you receive me has given me so much life, probably even kept me alive. I feel like our souls are bound together at some very deep level. It goes way beyond the surface of who you are. And I don’t even know most of you. But you are a part of me. And that is forever.

Why? What’s one life? What’s another person’s life? My life is pretty important to me, especially when I feel like its threatened, but it goes much much deeper than that I think. It must, has to be that we are deeply connected as souls. The kind of giving that I’ve been receiving has to come from people feeling like they are me in a way, like my test is their test. It is right? We really are one, and the tests are meted out individually, but its all about bringing us together, as one organism, to some single soul rectification. So in that way whatever fixing we can each achieve in ourselves via someone else is a gift to us individually and ultimately universally. Maybe the giving and receiving is the glue that keeps us working as facets of a single unit. So many tests. People are up against it more and more and it’s calling all of us to respond to one another, with help in so many different forms. Everyone needs so much help. It looks like all the difficulties are  an opportunity to manifest chesed in the world in such a big big way. I can glimpse a fixed world. I could never see that before. I couldn’t see how we would ever get there. But there’s so much suffering and there’s going to be so much more in the times to come. Maybe the geula is in how we respond to the suffering, to each other.

I’m just a vessel. Oy! I’m so far away. But I feel like I have to share, like it’s my work, and it’s so nothing in the scheme of things, and I have so much to learn from everyone else, but maybe my story is making an important difference somewhere, and my soul fulfillment is in the telling of the story, and I’m just doing it and giving it to G-d. Because I have to. Because He’s given this to me and it’s so so big. Way too big to keep to myself. Anyway I’ll go crazy if I keep it to myself. And maybe it’s my individual part in bringing down the light of redemption.

Where to start? I can’t even remember the beginning. I have 4 doses of radiation left out of 15. I’m getting used to it. It took 10 doses to chill. You can’t imagine the intensity of my kavana. They put the tile I painted right over the radiation machine and I stare at it – through that weird mask - at me – at that joyous and free little girl bringing down all the Heavenly light – and I beg Hashem to hold me so tight. I just beg Him to be there. I don’t know what else to think. I was afraid I’d lose my mind during the five minutes of daily intense treatment. It’s all in the power of my thoughts. I can smell the radiation – like ozone – and have to stop myself from smelling, from hearing the buzz of it as it works its way down my head, from imagining any sensations that it could produce. I have to turn all of my thoughts to that single thought – Hashem hold me! I beg Him. And after 10 doses of total brain radiation I know that Hashem is holding me. And it is good. And I don’t feel alone. And I am filling up with gratitude because the brain tumors are a gift and I cannot believe how much I’m growing. The kind of growth that never ever would have happened otherwise. Hashem is mighty. I am feeling the awe that I have been searching for.

Two weeks ago I didn’t understand anything, couldn’t accept what was happening to me. There was no G-d. He wouldn’t make so much challenge. But as I started to grow I began to understand. It’s all for me. For my highest good. Hashem believes in me so much that He keeps creating this unbelievable story and it’s just for me.

The first days of Pesach were all about grief, fear, despair. I just kept crying and crying. And the steroids were making me insane! I was just crawling in my skin. All I could do was to disappear into my bedroom and breathe. For hours and hours. I had to use every bit of mental strength to keep calming myself down. I was ready to rage in a flash. And I had to go for radiation on Yom Tov. Took a taxi. It was a relief though to get away. I was sure I was going to go crazy. I was very close to hurting people. And Hashem was nowhere.

Hashem is there – how did I know? The kids were home for 2 weeks straight, throughout the most intense crisis of my life, which commenced exactly on the first day of their break. The timing could not have been more perfect. Everything was pushed to the limit in me. Making Pesach was challenging enough. Then I had these brain tumors emerge two days before the Yom Tov, and then THE KIDS WERE HOME FROM SCHOOL!!! And it could not have been a more perfect catalyst for the crash to the bottom that I experienced on the seventh day – the day of the crossing of the sea. And I could totally understand how 4/5ths of the Jews stayed, gave up and perished in Mitzrayim. Don’t you think I wanted to give up? I understood perfectly why people give up. The reality was so beyond me. I did not believe I could handle it. And there was so much more going on that I can’t even share. Enough to crack anyone. And I felt totally alone.

And then that day, the 7th day of Pesach, there was an incident. I burned off a ton of steroid energy, focused myself for the morning, and made the most delicious meal (ready? It was roasted wild salmon with tons of garlic cloves, grape tomatoes and olives, roasted beets, parsnips and carrots, sautéed beet greens, fresh guacamole, roasted asparagus, salad, whole wheat hand shmura matzah and fresh poached pears – but that is besides the point!)  and Ella and Alisa joined us for lunch. The kids were great at the table. And then they disappeared. And it was very quiet. And I started to get worked up and I went hunting for mischief makers. And I found them, in my bathroom, climbing on the countertop, two girls, their eyes thickly circled with glitter, with tons of glitter in their hair, on the floor, in the box of blocks, on their brother.

And I did something I have NEVER done before. I silently pulled off their Yom Tov clothes, ran a bath, put the girls in the tub, poured and poured water over their faces being so careful not to squeeze their hair, and after 10 minutes of trying to slow my steroid induced wild breathing, I said to them “I am not going to get angry.” And I shocked myself because I ALWAYS get angry, and I was so so close to going totally over the edge. And I didn’t. And the girls cleaned up. And they were very good for the rest of the day. And that night, the night Hashem split the sea and brought us to freedom, I hit rock bottom and I cried all night for all the times I got angry with my kids, all the times I couldn’t let them be children, all the intense energy I put into keeping everything under control, all the years of life and love that I lost with them. And I resolved that with whatever is left of the life that Hashem gives me, it is for fixing what I broke with them.

And the next day I did not get angry. And the drugs were raging in me. And I won, but it was so superhumanly hard. And after we returned from radiation therapy, Ella and I went to visit the Goldhars. And I watched intensely the beautiful way that Yocheved related to her children and I went deeper and deeper and I continued to grieve in order to grow. And I did not get angry with my children all that day. And they were amazing. After radiation I played chess with Akiva, and my brain was really fuzzy, and I was losing, and in the midst of everything else I had this huge realization during the game that I’m in a chess game and the enemy is really smart, and I could lose, but then I pulled myself together, gave him a good challenge and ultimately lost. But I saw that I could summon the power of my mind to fight. And I could win. And everything could turn around in one move.

By the last day of Pesach I was really winning. I didn’t get angry. The kids were all home, all day. And I had some really good parenting moments. And it was hard because I was superhyper from the steroids and the antibiotic that was turning everything in my stomach super sour (Dr. Krug put me on it because on long term steroids I could get a certain form of  pneumonia – but the drug is also for leprosy! Just to give you an idea of the strength of this other drug that was taking over my body) I forgot to mention that the steroids are to prevent swelling from the radiation – could you imagine? My brain swelling up? Just another thought I had to fight all the time. And I wasn’t sleeping – remember? The steroids don’t let me sleep. And the sleeping pills weren’t working. I hadn’t slept really in a week and half, I was having daily radiation to my head that was leaving me all off balance and freaked out and it had been a week and a half of super stressful brain tumors, Pesach and more. So that I managed to keep my cool all day, for three days in a row, was a superhuman accomplishment for me, who loses it in general without any of the extra stresses.

And then Pesach was over and I could not wait to get every memory of the stress of it out of my house. Ella and Alisa and Lauren came to help turnover my kitchen with Maria and my mom and all I could do was sit at my table and breathe. And I wanted chometz so badly to knock it all out of my memory, to comfort myself. And we ate pizza and then we ate donuts. And it was good.

And then there was Shabbos. And Sarah came to stay with us and the girls were at the Goldhars for the night, and it was peaceful and beautiful, and we were sitting on the couch and I was telling her about how hard everything was, and the worst part was the drug effects, and then Dr. Gejerman appeared on my porch and he said I could cut the dose and I was just shocked. And Sarah said that it was a gift from Hashem and she related it to the victory of staying calm with my children. But Shabbos day was Pesach all over again and I was completely stressed out for other reasons and Motzei Shabbos I got in touch, really in touch, with how toxic my life has been. And I cried and cried because the toxicity brought me to such a physically broken dire place. And I was strengthened in my commitment to fix myself, to dump the toxins, to let it all go and stand in health, healing and love. I made a plan to spend Sunday away from my family. To relax, to give myself a break, to give everyone a break.

I went to Atara’s and Sarah came with me.  And they told me my eyes were yellow. And they were. And I had this headache all over that kept moving around and it wouldn’t go wasy. And I called Dr. Krug and they told me to come to Urgent Care, the ER at Sloan Kettering. Sarah drove me and I was working very hard to tell myself not to make this into anything serious, just some jaundice from all the drugs piling up in my liver, and they’d send me right home. I was detoxing and the garbage was just pouring out of me, that’s what I told myself, and I could feel it. And I just kept breathing these huge deep breaths and they were breaths of letting go of bad stuff and the relief was overwhelming.

When we got to Sloan the place was empty and they sent me right into a room and I collapsed on the bed. Ella came with a big bag of chocolate, but I didn’t want any, I desperately wanted to dump the toxic stuff that I’d been carrying for so many years, I just wanted to cleanse, and to rest, and to breathe. My bloodwork was as I thought – high bilirubin from the antibiotic and Dr. Krug took me off it. Everything else looked super great – really good blood counts. And I was even more relieved. They sent me home, certain that the headache was from cutting the steroid, and they gave me two Tylenol. I decided to go to my mom’s for the remainder of the radiation therapy, to rest, to recover, to cleanse myself for a new relationship with my kids, to start over different. I had reached a state of emergency. I didn’t have a choice. I was so stressed out. I couldn’t give them anything. And more big changes are coming, changes that are so long overdue, and the relief is unbelievable. I am sighing all the time, breathing deeply so much oxygen, and letting go of years and years of stress. And the fear that stopped me is just disappearing into nothing. And I feel Hashem with me. Holding me, and guiding me. And I know it’s good. And I’ll never be alone. He provides everything I need.

I’m rising up now, going so high and so deep in my inner fixing. It’s all about letting go of control and I’m deeply grieving who I have been and all that it cost me. But I’m so so happy and grateful to be given the chance to do the work. I feel like I’m being rescued. These are such difficult times. People are getting pressed and pressed. Hashem is forcing us through the transformation. I understand that and I’m so grateful for the tests that are profoundly changing me. There is eternity in this work. I know that.

Being at Mom’s is so healing. And Yoni seems to be doing surprisingly well with the kids. I go home at bedtime and spend time with each of them, and I try to just focus on loving them, appreciating them. They are amazing people. And they were chosen, chose this. The potential for their growth is a huge comfort. It’s our journey together and it’s so deep. They know I’m having this tough treatment and the drugs stress me out and I’m just taking a break so I can be great for them when it’s over. They get it but it’s hard. They’re being incredible.

Mom makes me oatmeal in the morning and it’s fixing so much to receive that nurturing at the start of the day. And I’m eating macrobiotic for these two weeks. Trying so hard to do what I can to cleanse my body, to keep it easy for my systems to function against so much physical challenge. I made lentil soup with collard greens and brown rice. It felt so good to make something so good for me. I’ve had an incredible massage with Darcy, a deep deep meditation and art therapy meeting with Yocheved, a two hour session with Dr. Gatto, a 2 and a half hour meeting with R. Rindenow, I’ve sat with R. Goldhar, I had a fantastic meeting with Racquel Houpt to help me figure out what I can do to help my kids work through the tests we’re facing, I’ve had the most awesome davening  and just sat in the sunlight and marveled at how profoundly Hashem is showing up in my life. And I am just awestruck at how much I’m processing and how much it’s fixing me. I am so grateful that I’m not collapsing in the face of the tests that I’m facing. I’m really stepping into the challenges. I’m getting my life out of it. I am so so grateful that Hashem is giving me time to do the fixing with my children. What chesed! Hashem is giving me another chance. Modah ani is meaningful for the first time in my life. He believes in me and every day he gives me a new chance to prove it. He is pushing me against the wall hard. I must be very dense. We are a stubborn people. Thankfully I’m getting it. I hope I’m getting it. The kids made me a chart – it’s beautiful – and they can’t wait to draw smiley faces for each day that I’m great with them. I want them to feel so loved. I want them to know they’re great. They are so great! Hashem is putting them through such challenge. They must be great, awesome neshamas!!!

I was looking for G-d and here are His hugs – all of my incredible friends, my parents, my beautiful little weeping cherry tree that burst into bloom when I needed a sign, the gorgeous cardinals that come daily, the gifts of Pesach food, meals for my family, treats, surprises, long visits from loving people, kid helpers, rides and escorts, happy therapists, doctors that really care about me, segula challah bakers (oh I cried over your goodness! So incredible!), insights, positive feedback that I’m on the right track, perfectly orchestrated reality, letting go of expectations, being with what shows up,

Hashem can do anything. I’m getting that now. That trust. For the first time. Through the perfection of His tests I’m getting it. Was so afraid but I’m realizing that all the things I was afraid, all the things that I felt like I had to control, aren’t real. All the excuses for staying stuck. I gave it all up and I’m letting Hashem carry me. Remind myself all the time not to doubt. He is showing me daily that I’m not alone. Want quiet. Working deep issues. Friends have been amazing. Really being there with me going through it. They must be so tired from the intensity of it all!

I’m just submitting to the journey, and in submitting to Hashem there’s something to be gained through every experience. I’m searching for His good in everything and when I can’t see the good, I trust that it’s there and I just can’t see it and then I beg Hashem to hold me through it. This is changing me in ways that I can’t change myself. Hashem is loves me so much. Everything He does for me is good and it’s good just for me, specifically for me, and in that I feel like He’s so close to me. He is holding my hand. I am learning to surrender. Maybe that is the essence of real relationship.

My hair hurts. At the roots. It’s starting to shed. They tell me it’s definitely coming out, maybe this is it. It’s been a long time and I’m nervous to see how it’ll look, how I’ll handle that transition, but I think there might be beauty in it, it will surely change something in me, losing my hair. It will be more good. More fixing.

I purged my to do list. It’s my hishtadlus list now. After about 10 years of being run by a complicated to do list, I let it all go. Now it’s just a simple schedule with a short list of things I can get done in a real way. I always felt this enormous insurmountable pressure to do everything, to take it all on, to finish the impossible. I’m resting in a very big way. I can’t go there again.

I feel like I’m being born and everyone in my life is a midwife. And that is awesome, because nobody can be born for me, I have to do it myself, but there is much help, much love, many loving hands holding me, catching me, comforting me. I’m really in the process of it all, the process of this world. Birth, life, death, it’s all one process and we’re all in this together. Everyone has so much to give, to contribute to one another, but we kill off our midwives. It’s so easy to get angry when things aren’t the way we want them. Hashem puts everyone into our life to give us something to help us on our journey. Sometimes it’s difficulty. And our journeys intersect, and really it’s one human journey, and that’s amazing. There are no accidents. If someone shows up, it’s part of the plan. So embrace.

There is more to share, beautiful moments with my children, maybe later. I’m done for now. I am going to spend time with Oriel before I go for treatment.

Blessing us all with the most beautiful, healing Shabbos. And Hashem made Shabbos just for us, for rest. It’s a difficult world. Let’s rest. He knows we need it. Isn’t that the ultimate chesed?

With much love,

Simcha Esther